Goodness gracious me! It’s December 1 tomorrow which as everyone knows is the start of summer and a third of the way through the annual bushfire season.
So, will your house be burnt down before New Year? Or will flooding rains surprise us all and wash away our hopes and dreams for 2020?
As usual, Kisma Aryias might not have the answer to those questions but he does spin the crystal ball like no other soothsayer on earth.
November 22 – December 21
Considering Steve Smith more or less single-handedly retained the Ashes in England with some amazing batting feats all achieved on bugger-all sleep the nights before, you wonder what fucking egghead now wants Smith to sleep soundly each night before he bats, all on the strength of one lousy score of four against the Pakis.
December 22 – January 19
You wonder why, if Prime Minister Scott Morrison was so intent on knowing nothing new about the police investigation into Angus Taylor than he already knew before he phoned best mate NSW Police Commissioner Mick Fuller, then why the bloody hell did he make the call?
January 20 – February 18
You were not at all surprised when nine News Corp Australia journalists shared the Walkley award for humorous fiction writing based on real political events.
February 19 – March 20
You’re not sure how long you’ll be kept in hospital as you recover from shock after hearing, not so much that Pauline Hanson had helped vote down the government’s union-busting legislation, but that her reasons for doing so almost made sense.
March 21 – April 19
Considering you tend to fall asleep about 15 to 20 minutes into watching any movie at night on the tele, you decide to watch The Irishman on Netflix in 14 fifteen-minute blocks but after five sessions are still none the wiser as to what the fuck is going on.
April 20 – May 20
Armed with a 3kg cricket bat and walking down a deserted poorly lit laneway at night, you can’t believe your luck when you encounter the person who invented the Dorothy Dixer in parliamentary question times.
May 21 – June 20
A fresh haemorrhoid pops up on your coit that you suspect has more Christianity to it than Scott Morrison possesses in his entire mind, body and soul.
June 21 – July 22
With Scott Morrison’s popularity now down the toilet in the latest Newspoll, you stock up on household provisions as you wait for Leigh Sales and 7.30 to ask the PM why he’s so unpopular and why doesn’t he just give the game away. You reckon supplies lasting two years should be enough.
July 23 – August 22
You wonder why retailers don’t have a Black Friday sales event every week so people can go broker quicker buying shit they don’t need.
August 23 – September 22
After watching Anthony Albanese in Parliament getting stuck into Scott Morrison’s personal foibles and failings, you wonder how effective Albo would be if he had a 75-minute Question Time every single sitting day to repeat such stinging personal attacks over and over again. And how even more effective those attacks would be if they could be done on the back of a $60 million taxpayer funded royal commission into Morrison’s shonky, shifty working life.
September 23 – October 22
While you’re no political expert, you start to suspect Kismas Aryias might have a distinct political leaning.
October 23 – November 21
And even if he has, isn’t Scott Morrison still the biggest dumbfuck, lying, lard-arse, shallow, happy-clapping, smirking, useless waste of space you’ve ever had the misfortune to see?