RIGHT ROYAL MESS:
In shock breaking news overnight, I can report exclusively that Queen Elizabeth has thrown Prince Andrew out of the Royal Family.
In a terse statement attached to the gates of Buckingham Palace, the Queen said:
“That one is no longer One’s son.
“One strips that one of his royal title as Duke of York and shuts that one off from all royal allowances and other payments.
“That one will no longer be welcome at any of One’s royal households or palaces.
“Further, One declares that from now on, that one will only be known as Mr Andrew Saxe-Coburg-Gotha and definitely not of York.
“One hopes that One’s loyal subjects will support One’s decision to simply send Mr Saxe-Coburg-Gotha into exile rather than have him executed by beheading on the Tower green, for which more than one of his siblings argued quite forcibly.
“Further, One gains no pleasure from forcing that one to actually go out and work for a living.
“One’s heart is heavy when One is faced with the reality that One’s third son has turned out to be the best of One’s male progeny. One finds that almost impossible to believe but there One has it.
“One remains flabbergasted that the only one of One’s children with any real balls turns out to be Princess Anne but One is forced reluctantly to that conclusion. It makes One a very sad One indeed.”
Mr Andrew Saxe-Coburg-Gotha of nowhere in particular was not available for comment as this world exclusive report went live.