We’re blessed with White-hot holy advice

US President Donald Trump’s spiritual adviser, personal pastor and now White House employee Paula White is reportedly heading to Australia. Wanting to ask whether she intended to see our PM Scott Morrison and, if so, what advice she planned to give him, The Bug recorded this phone interview from Washington DC earlier this morning.

The Bug: Ms White, thanks for taking the time out of your important sched….

White: Pastor. Pastor White.

The Bug: Yes, of course. Sorry.

Pastor White: Both God and I forgive you. We are, after all, on a holy connection here.

The Bug: Yes. On that point, did you really say this? “When I walk on White House grounds, God walks on White House grounds.”

Pastor White: Mara abacka sacka sara cutcha bucka ooh couchie coo!

The Bug: And you added this: “I had every right and authority to declare the White House as holy ground because I was standing there and where I stand is holy!”

Pastor White: Annie coocha catcha cama tossa nossa neara nosa camma wacky brown.

The Bug: Okay. And that you also said this: “To say No to President Trump is to be saying no to God.”

Pastor White: Goo goo g’joob g’goo goo g’joob Goo goo g’joob g’goo goo g’joob.

The Bug: Sorry, our line dropped out a bit there. You were saying?

Pastor White: Um mau mau mau mau
Um mau mau mau mau
Um mau mau mau mau

The Bug: You’ve described yourself as being rather pretty. Is that perhaps just a little vain for a woman of God.

Pastor White: Do-wah diddy-diddy down diddy-do.

The Bug: Hey, great! I think we’re making progress now.

Pastor White: She looked good
She looked fine
She looked good, she looked fine
And I nearly lost my mind
Before I knew it
She was walkin’ next to me
Singin’
Do-wah diddy-diddy down diddy-do.

The Bug: Okay let’s try another track …. I mean tack. How does your version of Christian evangelism match with Mr Morrison’s Penetcostal “prosperity doctrine” that declares you’ve got to be financially successful to show your love of God – and to be loved back by him?

Pastor White: One thing counts
In the bank
Large amounts
I’m afraid these don’t grow on trees
You’ve got to pick a pocket or two
You’ve got to pick a pocket or two
Boys!
You’ve got to pick a pocket or two.

The Bug: Got it. Lovely song by Fagin from Oliver. One of our favourites. So are you planning to see  Scott Morrison and if so what advice will you be giving him?

Pastor White: Um mau mau mau mau
Um mau mau mau mau
Um mau mau mau mau
annie coocha catcha cama tossa nossa neara nosa camma wacky brown
mara abacka sacka sara cutcha bucka ooh couchie coo.

The Bug: Okay back to that, are we? Ms White, thanks for your time this morning.

Pastor White: Pastor. Pastor White.

The Bug: Pasta joke more like it.

Pastor White: Sorry! What was that?

The Bug: Hello! Hello! Damn, we appear to have lost the connection.

Pastor White: Telephone to glory, oh, what joy divine!
I can feel the current moving on the line.
Made by God the Father for His very own,
You may talk to Jesus on this royal telephone.

Her voice then fades out.