Revealed: Lady Downer’s shock letters

FEDERAL POLITICS:

One of Australia’s brightest political minds and unparalleled media performers has stepped up her efforts to finally enter federal Parliament.

In a world exclusive, The Bug can reveal that Lady Georgina Downer, formerly of Pout House, Adelaide Hills, has asked leading Victorian federal MPs to step aside to “allow me to fulfil my destiny as one of Australia’s most loved future Liberal leaders”.

The Bug has learned that one of Dowager-in-Waiting Lady Georgina’s targets is federal Treasurer Josh Frydenberg.georgina's letter to frydenberg - net

In a letter (pictured) to the Member for Kooyong this week, Ms Downer writes: “You would no doubt be aware, following my decision to return to Victoria to be closer to family and the ABC’s News Breakfast studios, our Liberal Party federal executive is understandably desperate to secure for me a federal seat befitting my undoubted intellect, political nous, media savvy and obvious breeding.

“Daddy says that time is of the essence and we can ill afford to wait until the next election for this to happen. He adds, and I agree, that Kooyong will be perfect for me, seeing it was the seat of our founding father Sir Robert Menzies from 1934 to 1966.

“While I believe you are doing your very best as the nation’s Treasurer, given your obvious limitations as to economic skills and basic fact presentation, I imagine a break from the rigours of service to the national Parliament might appeal to you right now, considering your current travails concerning possible dual citizenship woes and the ongoing case of possible election fraud.

“I know Daddy and I would very much appreciate your quick decision in this matter and your full support for my candidacy in your resignation’s aftermath, so that the Downer dynasty can continue its proud tradition of being almost entirely responsible for building the proud nation we both admire and love today.

“With best wishes for whatever the future holds for you.”

The letter is signed Lady Georgina Downer, Member in Exile for Mayo.

The Bug understands similar letters have been sent to Tim Wilson, the Member for Goldstein and Gladys Liu, the besieged Member for Chisholm.

The letters to Wilson and Liu have similar opening paragraphs to the Frydenberg missive but then get down to a heartfelt appeal by Ms Downer based on local considerations.

To Wilson, Ms Downer writes: “Doing the right thing and giving up your seat for me may be seen as a form of gay abandon by some, but not by the many who will greatly admire your honorable course of action to allow me to fulfil my destiny as one of Australia’s most loved future Liberal leaders.

“They will appreciate your sacrifice, especially as someone of my quality, style, class and unbounded charisma comes along once in a generation.

“You also have my total commitment that I will waste no time in finding you another safe seat for, despite what many in the party think, I believe you would make an excellent senior minister in any long-term Liberal government I will one day have the honour to lead.”

In her letter to Gladys Liu, Lady Downer writes: “”While both Daddy and I agree with the Australian Electoral Commission that there’s not a single chink in your defence to these outrageous claims of electoral fraud on your part, I believe you would agree it would be folly to recontest the seat should for some bizarre reason a fresh election be called.

“I would be the perfect candidate for the seat, especially once more people get to know of my strong Chinese ethnicity through mummy’s lineage and that my Chinese name is Yuan Dim Sho-Ponie.

“Under those circumstances, I would expect your full support for my candidacy.

“Please accept my apology over this letter being typed in English. My Mandarin typewriter is badly in need of a new ribbon.”

But one long-term federal politician has escaped Ms Downer’s federal ambitions.

To Kevin Andrews, Member for Menzies, she writes: “While you would be aware that our federal party is understandably seeking for me a safe Victorian seat befitting my undoubted intellect, political nous, media savvy and obvious breeding, I would never, ever, entertain yours.

“As the father of the house, you remain a personal hero of mine and Daddy’s in the way you have steadfastly defended this nation’s proud membership of the British Commonwealth and its devotion to our wonderful head of state Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second.

“For decades, you have been the conservative bedrock protecting Fortress Australia from wave after wave of assaults on everything we hold dear. You’ve bravely defended us  from the evils of republicanism, same sex marriage, those out to destroy the religious freedoms we must now protect by law and climate-change anarchists hellbent on destroying the wide, brown, coal-rich country we both love so much.

“While our current PM has my complete and total support at this point in time, I can assure you that your name will be on any shortlist I would evaluate should I ever have the honour of being in the position to make such ministerial decisions, hopefully in the not-too-distant future.

“In the meantime, Daddy says you simply must join us for a few days at Pout House over the festive season. The estate’s lawns have never looked so lush despite the drought and watering restrictions on the hoi polloi who surround us and you must see the wallpaper hung throughout Pout House for this summer season. Its pattern is simply divine.”