I need right now to talk about your loins. I’ve girded mine in preparation for the red-hot anger I suspect I’m going to feel come midday today.
If not, do it now because I’m guessing many of you will fume mightily along with me – doing a pretty good impersonation of a clapped-out, coal-fired power plant – as the Labor Party makes public its humiliating mea culpa over its May federal election loss.
We’re going to hear a whole heap of excuses as to why the Slogan Bogan, Happy Clapping, Beer-Swilling, Football Kicking, “I’ll Burn For you” Boofhead Daggy Bloke Next Door, the Tongue Talking, Bullshit Boy, Liar from the Shire managed to pull off the unwinnable election – and they’re all going to be largely dollops of pure bullshit covered in a crusty layer of crap.
We’ll hear that Labor lost because Bill Shorten had too many facial moles to be really liked.
We’ll hear that Labor lost because it had too many policies that confused the electorate.
We’ll hear that Labor lost because it made too big a target of itself that the naughty Murdoch media found too easy to tear apart.
We’ll hear that Labor lost because the messaging about those policies, far too many as they were, wasn’t nuanced enough or argued cleverly enough.
We’ll hear that Labor lost because it didn’t lie quickly enough and put a suitable, made-up price on its climate-change policies.
We’ll hear that Labor will now get back to basics, whatever the fuck that means, although we’ll all be entitled to suspect, based on how the party has performed these past six months, that it will now be as a party called LNP Lite, only led by a nicer person.
That red-hot anger I and many others will most likely feel come High Noon can best be explained by the weasel words uttered by former shadow Treasurer Chris Bowen this morning.
Bowen reckons Labor can win the next election if it can show it’s got better economic policies than Morrison’s band of moronic ministers. And the other usual guff: appeal to the aspirant class while caring for those in need, blah, blah fucking blah as only Labor can.
Well, fuck me roan! Really, Chris? I stupidly thought that’s what the ALP went to the May election with.
You see, I’m one of those stupid cunts who studied Labor’s suite of policies as they were rolled out over recent years. I might be a leftie but I want my voting decisions to have the serious weight of research behind them. I do turn an angry Green on occasion.
So I read every assessment from the supposed experts as to Labor policy merits or setbacks.
That’s right. I’m the kinda guy who has never, ever, swallowed the LNP line that it is, always has been and always will be, the better economic managers. That “superior economic managers” line spews from their lips like vomit from a sheila pissed on too much fake champers on Cup day every time they open their mouths.
I’ve never believed that. History of Australian governments, my limited knowledge of economics, the work of the Whitlam, Hawke and Keating governments tell me its absolute crap too.
So I studied Labor’s suite of policies, followed the campaign spiels of all parties and I went into that election booth six months ago very, very content that Labor had the overall plan for this nation’s economy right fucking now and the right mix of policies to make life better for its citizens.
Today I’m going to be told I got that wrong – or more precisely that I was misled by Labor folk ‘cos they didn’t really believe what they were selling, ‘cos they’re going to ditch some or all of it – and that’s going to make me roil with anger a few hours from now.
I’ve mentioned in previous rants why Labor lost the election. In fact we should all be amazed that Labor got so close.
The $200 million in taxpayer-funded government ads Morrison and Co spent in the 12 months leading up to that May election, much focussed on the LNP’s policy platform, as limited as that was.
The six-year shameful and horrific personal attacks on Bill Shorten, begun by the Mad Monk, continued by Mr Harbourside Mansion, and taken to new levels by Morrison, all run off the back of a $60 million, tax-payer funded witchhunt into Shorten’s life.
The disgraceful, unethical, taxpayer-funded Tim Wilson parliamentary roadshow on franking credits and Liberal membership touting. Only the side of politics that believes it has a god-given right to rule can do that sort of shit with impunity.
The absolute litany of lies the LNP dished out on the campaign proper that distorted just about every policy Labor had. Yes, I know Mediscare was bad. The farago of fibs the LNP used this time made Mediscare look like a flare-up between some young bulls at Schoolies.
The vile Murdoch press, taking bias and shoddy “journalism” to new lows.
The $60 million in anti-Shorten, anti-Labor ads that fat mining prick from Queensland spent, some $9 million in the final week and much of that in the electronic blackout period.
Will today’s grovelling “We’re so fucking sorry!” internal report mention any of those things in passing to dampen the red-hot anger I’m going to feel?
Maybe. But it will be the shortest of mentions. They won’t want to look like poor losers now, will they? Even though they are absolutely entitled to be. It was clearly Labor’s turn to be in power and fuck things up.
No. My guess is that they’ll be rolling over like the cowed and whipped dogs they’ve been since May, begging once more to be kicked hard in the guts in the hope that forgiveness might eventually follow – sometime, somehow, way down the track.
What a bunch of fucking losers.