Set your sights on a safe summer

stars dinkus

Gosh, where does a season go? Another month and it’ll be summer and all that brings to the luckiest country on earth.

So, are you confident you can see through the rest of Spring and make a Summer statement of your own?

Well, you should be, if you follow the advice of arguably the world’s most accurate soothsayer ever.

No-one has ever died on Kisma’s watch that didn’t deserve to.

SCORPIO
October 23 – November 21

After binge-watching all seven series of Mad Men on Netflix, you are diagnosed with lung cancer and your oncologist suspects it was caused by inhaling passive smoke emanating from your TV.

SAGITTARIUS
November 22 – December 21

You reluctantly start watching Question Time from the House of Representatives again, but only to see if Prime Minister Scott Morrison has pissed his pants whenever he walks over to the despatch box to provide his answers.

CAPRICORN
December 22 – January 19

You wonder why the federal government needs to spend close to a billion dollars building or improving a few dams in safe Coalition seats if Prime Minister Morrison is so confident prayer can bring the rains necessary to save local primary producers.

AQUARIUS
January 20 – February 18

You have this recurring nightmare where you’re at an evening dinner table and the other guests are Gerard Henderson, Alan Jones, Rowan Dean, Peter Gleeson, Michael Stutchbury and Mark Latham.

PISCES
February 19 – March 20

You spend much of your day wondering who Peter Gleeson is. With the shit that spews forth out of his mouth, we suspect he certainly does.

ARIES 
March 21 – April 19

With a Qantas domestic flight looming, your relief at the news that the airline has grounded all its ageing 737 aircraft over possible wing cracks is short-lived when you hear they’ve been replaced with the 737MAX model.

TAURUS
April 20 – May 20

You remain in a state of shock and scared witless after a group of Halloween children appeared at your front door last night all wearing Peter Dutton masks.

GEMINI
May 21 – June 20

You wonder why Energy Minister Angus Taylor hasn’t been embroiled in any fresh scandal of late, only to find out that he’s been confined to bed with a severe viral chest infection for most of the week.

CANCER
June 21 – July 22

It suddenly dawns on you that the only reason you’re still watching the latest series of The Ranch is for the theme song at the beginning.

LEO
July 23 – August 22

Luckily you have a feather handy to knock yourself over with when you hear on the news that a restaurant/supermarket/cafe/hardware chain has accidentally overpaid their staff to the tune of millions of dollars.

VIRGO
August 23 – September 22

You try one of Hungry Jack’s new Rebel burgers and are somewhat surprised to have no beef with it at all.

LIBRA
September 23 – October 22

Your decision to ban Netflix over the disgracefully small amount of tax the company pays in Australia lasts just one night after being forced to watch Naked Ninja Farmer’s Love Island Bachelorette Bustup at First Sight and all sorts of other so-called “reality TV” shit on the free-to-air channels.