Albanese goes flat out for victory


A flat 25 per cent rate for both income and company taxes will be the cornerstone of Anthony Albanese’s first major speech as Opposition Leader in Perth later today.

“It won’t matter whether you’re a boss or an employee, all Australians deserve to keep much more of what they earn,” Mr Albanese is expected to say in a speech to the Committee for Economic Development of Australia.

The speech, which will also reignite Labor’s love of all things coal, is expected to appeal to a broad section of the ALP (Joel Fitzgibbon) as the Labor leader finally emerges from his kennel after acting like a whipped dog for the past six months (right).albanese in the doghouse - net

The Bug overnight was handed the draft copy of Mr Albanese’s speech which will savage the tranche of policies Labor “stupidly and recklessly took to the May 18 election and for which I apologise unconditionally to my very good friends at the top end of town”.

“Australians work hard for their money and it’s better kept in their pockets to use as they wish than to give them to governments to waste,” the Opposition Leader will say.

Political insiders believe this key plank of Albanese’s platform for Labor renewal came about with the realisation that the Turnbull and now Morrison government have both been elected on a promise not to do much at all as a federal government in future.

Mr Albanese will double down on the LNP’s pledge to slash, over a decade, the funds needed for a federal government to do the things it used to do such as defence, health, education and infrastructure spending.

“Labor intends to confine to the dustbin of history the progressive tax scales that served the country well for many many decades but which are now clearly outdated and have been rejected by the Australian people.

“The voters have spoken. They no longer want federal government services, so we’re going to get out of their hair and let them get on with their lives,” Mr Albanese is expected to say to prolonged applause.

“The choice at the next election will be clear: only the Australian Labor Party will do much, much less for you. Bugger all, if I have my way.

“If elected, I will burn for all of Australia,” his draft speech notes say. “To a crisp. You’ll never hear or see from me again.

“That means that those who have a go will get a go.”

“I’ll be the silent, rarely seen leader for all quiet Australians outside the bubble of Canberra.”

Mr Albanese, who reportedly joined the Assembly of God’s Hillside church in Sydney at the weekend, is expected to deliver the last quarter of his speech in tongues.

He then plans to fly back east to a private medical clinic in his inner-Sydney seat of Grayndler where plastic surgeons and a handpicked team of ear, nose and throat specialists are confident a 10-hour operation will make him look and sound exactly like Scott Morrison.alboscomo

He will then fly to New York and lick Rupert Murdoch’s smelly, pile-infested arse with such ferocity that the evil, money hungry, ethically bereft, flaccid-arsed octogenarian cunt of a media mogul’s toes will curl so violently that several will actually snap in half, something Jerry Hall has never achieved.