The Bug is proud to present an exclusive sneak preview of the Labor Party’s internal post-mortem examination into its shock loss at the May 18 federal election.
We will concentrate on its final summary pages of conclusions and recommendations, a no-holds barred excoriation of the 2019 campaign and its outcome.
The inquiry was headed by former Gillard Minister Craig Emerson and former South Australian Premier Jay Weatherill and its report will not be formally presented until the party’s upcoming national executive meeting.
But the report, entitled “We are so fucking sorry!”, states bluntly that politics will never be the same in Australia ever again. Here in this exclusive The Bug reprints the summary of findings at the end of the 262-page report. In doing so we applaud the authors for their open, frank and timely findings.
We are so fucking sorry!
We are so fucking sorry that since the May election, so many Labor leading lights have offended almost half of the Australian electorate who studied the polices we spent years putting together and agreed they were the right policies for Australia’s future. We understand how angry they must be to be hearing over recent months that some, maybe all, of those policies will be scrapped. For example, does anyone seriously fucking believe that if Labor had promised to grandfather some aspects of their franking credits policy that it would have dampened the government’s assault one iota? Or stopped Tim Wilson’s disgraceful, unethical, taxpayer-funded “Vote Liberal” parliamentary inquiry tour?
We are so fucking sorry that so many Labor luminaries have gone to water at that election result. The fact that we rolled over so quickly like cowered, crawling, snivelling curs and called on the Australian electorate to beat us to death must be anathema to those people. This report’s authors are particularly sorry for inflicting on Australia Joel “Jellyback” Fitzgibbon, who probably right now is butt-fucking himself with a sex toy molded out of a chunk of the finest black coal from the Galilee Basin in central Queensland. We are particularly sorry for Richard Marles because. .. well, we just are. Wasn’t his recent comment that Labor lost aspirational voters to the Coalition by offering them “handouts rather than hope” the biggest load of hogwash since Scott Morrison last opened his mouth?
We are so fucking sorry for creating the post-poll impression that no political party should ever again go to any election with a broad and sweeping agenda of reform, including the notion that maybe Labor would have won if it had adopted the Morrison government line of having basically no policies and instead had just showed Bill Shorten kicking a football, hitting a cricket ball to kids, shearing a sheep, swigging beer and repeating over and over again: “Scott Morrison is a liar. That’s all he is. He lies and he lies and he lies.”
We are so fucking sorry that Labor embarked on “listening tours” after the election, all based on the stupid, old-fashioned and now outdated notion that that is what beaten politicians are expected to do. That they mustn’t be seen as poor losers. We are so fucking sorry that we didn’t embark instead on “shouting angrily at you moronic voters” tour, pointing out that just about every reason the Labor Party’s supposed working class base voted against us was because they believed the litany of lies the government told us were Labor policies when they weren’t. You know them. We don’t need to list them.
We are so fucking sorry that Labor still hasn’t organised a hit on Bob Brown.
We are so fucking sorry that since the election, Labor people, including members of this review panel, have leaked the idea that the party’s defeat was all Bill Shorten’s fault. We are so fucking sorry that instead of that, we haven’t spent every waking moment since May talking about the most insidious, relentless campaign of character assassination ever embarked on an Australian politician, all generated off the back of a vile and shameful $60-80 million dollar taxpayer-funded royal commission into Bill Shorten’s union career.
We are so fucking sorry that Labor since the election has appeared to now be trying so hard to be Liberal-Lite. We still have no fucking idea why Labor didn’t stand firm and vote against those third-stage income tax cuts that basically put an end to this nation’s progressive tax system and will deprive future governments of the money they need to do things people expect of those governments.
We are so fucking sorry that former left-wing warrior Anthony Albanese is still on his back, hoping for a consolatory LNP tummy rub, by agreeing to siphon education funds into drought relief and agreeing to new trade deals that have left trade union leaders aghast and furious.
We are so fucking sorry that our internal party review didn’t focus on the almost certain possibility that the party’s election loss could be put down to one factor and one factor alone: the $60 million advertising blitz – more than twice the amount spent by the main political parties – by that selfish, worker-hating, far-right-wing, lazy, fat, coal-and-money loving sloth of a cunt from Queensland, Clive Palmer.