Missing rope on the dope sees talks axed


The White House meeting between President Donald Trump and Australian Prime Minister Scott Morrison scheduled for early this morning Australian time has been sensationally cancelled at the very last minute.

The Bug understands a vital negotiating tool essential if our Prime Minister was to hold his own “safely and with honour” with the leader of the free world was found to be missing moments before he was due to be ushered into the Oval Office.

“We simply could not guarantee  the Prime Minister’s safety when we found the ARSE missing from its special diplomatic box as our delegation waited in an anteroom,” one red-faced aide told us.

The Bug understands ARSE refers to the ankle rope safety equipment that is always clamped to visiting Australian leaders’ ankles and enables their retrieval should they disappear completely up US presidential arses during such talks, especially when the US is seeking Australia’s full and grovelling support for some military action, usually in the Middle East.

The ARSE procedure is known in Washington political circles as “putting the rope on the dope”. Unfortunately for Mr Morrison overnight, the ARSE  box was empty, leaving stunned Australian officials faced with no other choice but to cancel the one-on-one chat between the world leader and Mr Morrison.

“The risks were simply too great once we found the ARSE missing,” the aide said. “We could easily have ended up with Peter Dutton as PM.”

The ARSE – based reportedly on a system used to handle breech births at the Taronga Zoo elephant house in Sydney – is kept in a special medical box at the Australian Embassy in Washington. The Bug understands that Ambassador Joe Hockey sent it out to a local rope repair specialist for strength testing as a safety measure because he knew it was going to get a very solid workout during Mr Morrison’s visit with Mr Trump.

That it was somehow not returned to its correct position is now the subject of an urgent internal probe by senior embassy staff.

“We needed the ARSE to be working perfectly because we knew the PM would be keen to dive in head first and support the president should he even remotely hint that he’d like Australia to maybe also look at getting ‘locked and loaded’ over Iran,” the aide explained.

The ARSE has been mandatory for Aussie PMs since Harold Holt disappeared up Lyndon Baines Johnson’s arse 50 years ago, was missing for 12 minutes and almost died and went to heaven.

A quick-thinking White House doctor back then extracted Mr Holt using some lard from the White House kitchens and his bare hands, a remarkable feat considering Mr Holt’s tongue was in the breech position.

The phrase “All the Way Within LBJ” was coined by Australian officials at the time but morphed into the “All the Way With LBJ” slogan that we remember today.

In John Howard’s state visit with George W Bush in 2006 Australia’s “Man of Steel” took aides by surprise, wriggling up the US president’s arse so quickly after Mr Bush got a little teary and started reminiscing about their joint invasion of Iraq three years earlier that those aides barely had time to hit the panic button.

“There was only a half-metre of ARSE material still poking out of Dubya’s backside by the time a doctor among the touring delegation rushed in,” one diplomat who was there at the time recalled.

“The medico lunged at and luckily took firm hold of the fast-disappearing ARSE with only seconds to spare.

“With the help of others, he managed to pull the little runt out.

“Howard was just lying there on the Oval Office carpet, all covered in shit and shouting ‘I’m in! I’m in!’ over and over, saying an election was due and begging to be part of the next coalition of the willing.”

On the latest disaster that unfolded in Washington overnight, a senior member of the PM’s touring party told The Bug on condition of anonymity: “Heads are going to roll over this total snafu.

“Mr Morrison was really looking forward to the meeting, even though he was nervous as hell about once again being in the same room as the world’s most stable genius and probably the bravest man who has ever lived, someone who wouldn’t think twice before charging a crazed gunman at a kindy or college with his bare hands.

“One minute Mr Morrison thought he was going to spend quality time with the US president sharing their favourite lies before getting the chance to back Mr Trump to the hilt and more; the next minute it all fell apart.

“Mr Morrison has had to give all his staff an almighty tongue-lashing instead and, boy oh boy, are they feeling it now!”