Spring forth without a care in the world

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Put a spring in your step as you venture forth in September, knowing the world’s most accurate soothsayer in history will keep you safe.

In 30 years of precision stargazing for The Bug, Kisma has never, ever, heard a complaint from anyone killed through putting their complete and utter faith in his wise counsel.

 

VIRGO
August 23 – September 22

It might have been funny for the first few decades but you are now well and truly over your spouse always referring to you in front of relatives and friends as “the bitter half”.

LIBRA
September 23 – October 22

You suspect your marriage may be in trouble when you hear your partner speak to a friend about being happily married for three years, when your wedding was in 1989.

SCORPIO
October 23 – November 21

When the Seven Network’s lawyers send you a letter claiming your idea for a new quiz show is too similar to their existing program The Chase Australia, you agree to rename your version Dimwits Chasing Shitloads of Cash But Winning Fuckall.

SAGITTARIUS
November 22 – December 21

The pain and humiliation you felt when your breast implants collapsed is made worse when you hear your new nickname at work is “silicon valley”.

CAPRICORN
December 22 – January 19

You can’t believe your luck when, walking down a deserted and darkened laneway armed only with a 1.5kilo cricket bat, you encounter the nerds who change the look of online sites such as email providers and various social media platforms just when you’ve got used to – and comfortable with – the way they fucking well are.

AQUARIUS
January 20 – February 18

Your bowel movements are slowly returning to normal after that Dagwood dog you ate at the Brisbane Ekka three weeks ago.

PISCES
February 19 – March 20

Your dreams of securing untold riches simply by changing your name by deed poll fall apart when you read the contents of a stern letter from Bill Gates’s lawyers, suitably addressed to “Dear Mic Rosoft”.

ARIES
March 21 – April 19

You hear that the ABC has been receiving hundreds of calls complaining about the performance of new co-host Lisa Millar on News Breakfast, all traced to the same Melbourne house and a middle-aged woman disguising her voice with a handkerchief and using a range of accents including various Italian dialects.

TAURUS
April 20 – May 20

Your efforts to turn your workplace’s “casual Friday” into “naked Friday” win little support from co-workers, except that strange guy in accounts who always looks at you just a little too long when you walk past.

GEMINI
May 21 – June 20

Despite considering yourself environmentally aware, you still prefer to buy fly spray that’s loaded with toxins guaranteed to kill instead of those organic-based, non-allergenic, ozone-friendly, namby-pamby brands.

June 21 – July 22

Morrison’s shock election win and then Stokes’ amazing batting to steer England to victory in Leeds have you wondering what the third really shitty thing to happen to Australia in 2019 will be.

LEO
July 23 – August 22

This is precisely what you are mulling over and not paying proper attention to your surroundings as you become the very first person to be struck down and killed by one of the new George Street, Sydney, trams.