Pointing percy at the priesthood!


A police identity parade unlike any other in the history of crime investigation worldwide will take place in Melbourne this week – and what it reveals could set jailed Cardinal George Pell free.

The world-first identity parade – suggested to police by the Catholic Archbishop of Melbourne Pete Comensoli (pictured below) – will have a witness not looking at a number of suspects’ faces from behind a two-way mirror but checking out their sex organs for a telltale blemish revealed during an alleged sex attack at St Patrick’s Catholic Cathedral in Melbourne in the 1990s.

While this case is totally separate from George Pell’s child sex convictions from about the the same time and at the same church, the latest person to come forward to Victorian sex offences squad officers clearly remembers his attacker’s penis had a distinctive blemish that police will not reveal as their investigations continue.

As a result, they have requested church officials to come forward to be eliminated as suspects.

Starting later this morning the Melbourne man, now 46 but a choirboy at the time, will inspect penises poked through numbered glory holes from Catholic Church officials from across the Melbourne diocese who will remain anonymous.

Archbishop Comensoli developed the idea of the “priests’ percy identity parade” as the best way to uncover the paedophile in the new case. But he also insisted on police using specially constructed and blessed confessional booths, with holes strategically drilled in their doors (main picture).

“I’m not taking any chances,” His Grace is believed to have told church colleagues. “If anyone feels pressured and ‘cracks’ during the identity parade and confesses to this or another sex offence, he’ll be totally and rightly protected from prosecution because he is in a confessional booth.”

The Archbishop said his idea was designed to pursue his theory that the complainant in the case against George Pell was in fact assaulted by another paedophile operating out of Melbourne’s Catholic cathedral and that Pell was mistakenly identified as his attacker.

“We’ve already had one dreadful case of mistaken identity because one man believed who his attacker looked like even though his mind was clearly on other matters at the time,” His Eminence reportedly told colleagues.

“With this identity parade, he can concentrate on what’s important, say, for example, if his attacker had a five-cent-sized, deep purple and hard, raise and scaly wart just under the glans penis at about 3pm if you were looking at an erect penis from the front.”

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Should any one of the church leaders in this week’s identity parade exhibit the penile blemish the witness remembers as he was being orally raped, it could go a long way to clearing Pell, both Archbishop Comensoli and top legal experts have told The Bug.

What has excited leading Catholics in the Victorian capital who are steadfastly holding to their belief that Cardinal George Pell is a decent, honest and caring man of the cloth wrongly convicted of heinous child sex crimes is that Pell is known to have a perfect penis without a single blemish on any part of it, all above a gorgeous set of perfectly shaped testicles of above-average size.

One senior priest told The Bug: “George has a wonderful member that truly was God’s gift.

His voice shaking with emotion, he added: Its shaft was just about perfect with a wonderfully rich and deeply coloured vein structure.

“Both fists could easily grasp the shaft, one on top of the other, with still a few centimetres to go before the knob, it was that long.

“Or at least that’s what I’ve been told.”

Another senior church official who asked not be be named tried to hold back tears as he added: “And it had a beautiful, perfectly formed bellend that, truly, you could have sucked all day.

“Or at least that’s what I’ve been told.”

It’s probably because of those descriptions that Archbishop Comensoli and other strident Pell supporters want the disgraced cardinal to take part in the identity parade via video link from his prison cell.

Broadcaster Andrew Bolt backed the call, telling his radio audience and backing the view up with a newspaper column across News Corpse mastheads: “The sooner this horrible man is exposed and he can be charged with the attacks attributed to George Pell, the sooner he can be processed through a court system that we can applaud unconditionally as one of the bedrocks of Australian society and fully support its conclusions at each stage of the process, whatever they might be.”

And in Sydney, former Deputy Prime Minister Tony Abbott said he believed that Cardinal Pell had absolutely nothing to hide from taking part in the identity parade.

“Or at least that’s what I’ve been told,” the former member for Warringah said, licking his lips and doing that goanna thing with his tongue that he was famous for while adding in a cheeky little wink for good measure.

The Bug understands that a large number of Melbourne-based Catholic priests, church elders, choir masters, other clergy with senior pastoral duties and even a few nuns have come forward and freely volunteered to be part of the identity parade process to eliminate them from police inquiries.

The Bug has learnt, however, that quite a few pulled out and expressed  bitter disappointment when advised their members would only be looked at.

Nevertheless, this week’s identity parades are expected to last several days with more than 120 church officials to be examined.