Trump changes game plan

AMERICAN POLITICS

US President Donald Trump has backed then disowned an American businessman’s plan for a new venture designed to dramatically reduce the loss of innocent lives in mass shootings.

Dr Lloyd Christopher of Futtbuck, Tennessee, said his new venture aimed to channel the violence fuelled by video and online games into what he called “practical, nation-and-character-building experiences” for the nation’s gun enthusiasts .

At a White House news conference (main picture) President Trump embraced Dr Christopher and fully backed his plan.

“I’ve known the good doctor for many, many years. He’s a good guy. A good guy. I love his work and I’m pleased to support his plan 100%,” Mr Trump said before asking Dr Christopher to explain it to reporters.

Dr Christopher said most popular electronic games were based on scenarios that involved shooting and killing people.

“Most people acknowledge the direct link between those games and the actual shootings that we see regularly across the USA,” Dr Christopher said, “and there’s nothing wrong with that.

“Gamers know their basement games are nothing like reality and are understandably keen to ‘cross over’, get a real gun and appreciate the noise they really make and the sounds and smells of brains and blood being splattered everywhere. I mean, who wouldn’t?

“So my venture is simple enough: of course we need to give these gamers the opportunity to shoot people in real life instead of just on a screen, but let’s just make sure they are the right people and not decent, God-fearing United States citizens.

“Americans have the right to step out of their trailers and go about their daily meaningless lives without the fear of being gunned down by one of their own.”

Dr Christopher readily admitted his scheme was largely based on his observations of African wildlife parks where obese Americans pay obscene amounts of money to shoot dead magnificent animals bred and tied to a post exactly for that purpose.

“So I’m planning to establish large zones on the US side of the Mexican border and have gamers roam the area and actually shoot the illegal invaders who try to cross into the USA.

“As the President has said, these people are criminals and rapists and are bringing crime and bringing drugs to the US.

“So it won’t hurt to have gamers get out of their darkened basements and shoot a few. Or, indeed, as many as they like because I’m sure the toll will still be a lot less than with the current rate of mass shootings and, besides, it will also save the cost of building a wall.

“It will not only help educate gamers about the impact of real gun violence and the need for that to be regulated as with my scheme, but will address our problem with illegal immigrants invading America, taking our jobs, destroying our way of life.

“I’m convinced it will see more and more of them stay in their own shithole country – or indeed to go back there if they’ve somehow managed to illegally worm their way into God’s own country.”

At that point an aide to the President whispered in his ear and Mr Trump took the microphone, saying: “I have never met this man. No. Never seen him in my life.

“I don’t know who he is or anything about his plan.

“But I do know I’m the least racist person in the world if any of you say differently, it’s just fake news,” he told reporters before walking out of the room.