Your guide to a safe and happy August

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The world’s most accurate soothsayer in history will keep you safe this August.

So there’s no excuse for not stepping out in complete safety and confidence over the next 31 days as we see out winter for another year.

Kisma apologises for the slight delay in his monthly predictions – due to unforseen circumstances – and sincerely hopes no-one got killed or badly maimed on August 1.

 

LEO
July 23 – August 22

You wonder why you’ve never heard of any incidence of the federal government and Centrelink ever sending out a non-threatening RoboCredit.

VIRGO
August 23 – September 22

Then again, you’ve never heard of a master chef overpaying their staff either.

LIBRA
September 23 – October 22

Or for that matter, in the decades you got McDonald’s takeaway for your growing family you never got home once to find one packet of fries or one Big Mac or one apple pie too many but you lost count of the number of times it happened the other way around.

SCORPIO
October 23 – November 21

Neither can you or anyone else you know say that in all those years of checking the Coles or Woolies docket once you got home you never found you’d been been undercharged for any single item.

SAGITTARIUS
November 22 – December 21

Notice a pattern here … or maybe you’re just paranoid and need to cut back on the weed.

CAPRICORN
December 22 – January 19

You can’t believe your luck when, walking down a deserted and darkened laneway armed with a 1.5kilo cricket bat, you encounter just one of the fucking stupid bastards who switched sides late and voted against Labor’s 40 per cent death tax policy.

AQUARIUS
January 20 – February 18

Watching Peter Dutton give a Question Time answer in federal Parliament, you phone the ABC to tell them they are accidentally running a four-year-old tape of past stock answers attacking Labor’s deaths at sea but they say that’s sadly not the case.

PISCES
February 19 – March 20

You seek immediate professional help – and money is really no object here and you don’t care how long it takes – after an overnight erotic dream involving Michaela Cash.

ARIES
March 21 – April 19

You wish you had the money to hire a hitman to take out Scott Morrison but then realise rather sadly it’s just another case of unfunded antipathy.

TAURUS
April 20 – May 20

You wonder if the word “newspoll” will evolve into widely accepted yet completely different meanings over time. As in “I completely newspolled you as a person!” or “I crashed the car after newspolling that corner.” “Young man, it’s time you learnt the difference between right and newspoll.”

GEMINI
May 21 – June 20

As a current jobseeker, you at first appreciate it when the Seven Network comes out and apologises for saying all people on Newstart are dole bludgers but are then disappointed when it asks the person who isn’t to come forward to be interviewed.

CANCER
June 21 – July 22

You read some of Sam Dastyari’s comments on Twitter on current and social issues and appreciate more than ever that he’s no longer causing damage in the Senate.