Lord Downer plans a party


Lord Downer has declared he will host a special public celebration to mark the election of Boris Johnson as the UK’s new Prime Minister.

His Lordship (main picture) sent missives to newsrooms across Adelaide and indeed nationally yesterday demanding media representatives assemble in the grounds of Pout House for a “grand announcement”.

Once on-site, reporters, photographers, and TV crews were kept waiting for almost two hours before His Lordship finally appeared in his sedan chair carried by four muscular and bare-chested young men whose oiled torsos glistened in the wintery sun.

Overhearing one reporter remark on the young men’s appearance and before commencing his official remarks, Lord Downer declared it was he who had personally oiled the young men which was why he had been delayed.

“Oil is one of those things that splatters,” he joked, even though the assembled straight lines of domestic, stable and grounds staff – and the four oil boys –  were the only ones who laughed.

He then announced his “unrestrained joy” at the news that Boris Johnson had assumed the job as Prime Minister of Great Britain.

“I must say that in the time I spent representing our nation in the Mother Country, I grew to know Boris – if I can be so familiar as to call him that – very well,” Lord Downer said.

His Lordship then held the back of one hand to his mouth, closed his eyes, and grew visibly emotional before explaining that many people did not know that “Boris” was not the new UK PM’s first name.

“His name is in fact Alexander Boris de Pfeffel Johnson,” His Lordship said in a wavering voice, “and I am proud and humbled to share a name with someone so obviously brilliant and so obviously destined to be one of Britain’s – and the world’s – great leaders.

“I know what it means to be called upon by your party to lead,” he said before striking a look that cut dead some reporters who began tittering at the remark.

“It is such a relief to once again have a gentleman and a true, if untitled, aristocrat in 10 Downing Street.

“On that point, I shall be making personal representations to Her Majesty to ensure a knighthood is not far off for him. A chap cannot be British PM without one, I always say.

“Our new  Prime Minister – and I say ‘our’ because in our hearts we have truly never left Mother England – has all the right qualifications.

“He was born into wealth, schooled at the best establishments in Europe including Eton, and read classics at Oxford.

“He is the type of chap we need in Downing Street. It is certainly such a relief to be rid of that dreadful commoner, and woman, Mrs May.

“It will come as no surprise to anyone to learn she is a product of worthy, yet deliberately poor, parents – her father being an Anglican clergyman – and that she attended a state primary school as well as a …….”

At this point His Lordship ceased speaking and swayed as if to faint, before grabbing and hugging one of his sedan chair carriers for some moments to steady himself.

Composing himself, his Lordship resumed his remarks.

“She attended state schools as well as a ……. as well as a… a….Catholic convent school,” His Lordship blurted before holding a kerchief to his mouth, swooning, and once again throwing his arms around one his muscular staffers.

After sniffing deeply the oily residue on the young lad’s chest, Lord Downer composed himself and declared he planned to throw open the gates of Pout House to host a “grand public celebration” this coming Saturday to mark Mr Johnson’s ascension.

“It will be a fitting celebration with plenty of food, drink, and dancing to enjoy as a tribute to a great man and I am inviting everyone to attend,” he said before issuing a clarification.

“Of course when I say ‘everyone’ can attend I, of course, mean just gentry and certainly no riff raff.”

His Lordship then ended his encounter with the media, refusing to respond to shouted questions, and called all four of his young semi-clad staffers to assist him into his sedan chair – which took some minutes as His Lordship grappled with their oily bodies – before being hoisted shoulder high and departing with his signature noble yet noticeably erect bearing.