Queen in hiding after Boris wins

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The installation of Boris Johnson as Britain’s new prime minister has been delayed because Her Majesty the Queen has gone missing.

Hours after the results of the vote by Conservative Party members handed Mr Johnson the party leadership, he was still waiting to be commissioned by Her Majesty to lead the nation.

As previously reported exclusively in The Bug, my sources within Buckingham Palace have told me that in recent months Her Majesty had repeatedly let it be known that she did not support Mr Johnson becoming PM.

“The Queen thinks Boris is an overblown blowhard without the necessary abilities to lead the UK through its current troubled times,” one source said.

“In fact she told some of them that he was ‘a fat sloppy lazy bastard’ with ‘an ego bigger than that orange deadshit currently leading the USA’.

“Her Majesty has been specially scornful of Mr Johnson’s failure to set out a Brexit plan, and has said he has ‘less talent than that pig-rooter David Cameron who got us into this quagmire of shit in the first place’.

“She recognises that it is her constitutional duty to commission Boris to form a government, but she is determined not to make it easy for him.

“That’s why she suddenly went missing as Boris headed to the palace for the traditional meeting with the Monarch, after which he planned to head to 10 Downing Street and start work on forming his government.

“After he arrived Mr Johnson was shown into a reception room and told to wait, which he did. He waited, and waited, and waited.

“While he was cooling his heels he was obviously becoming more agitated. He knew he couldn’t directly criticise Her Majesty, but he did make it known to palace staff that he was keen to be commissioned and start work as PM.”

At last report, Her Majesty had not been located and palace security staff and Scotland Yard officers were continuing to scour the large building, its outbuildings, and grounds for any sign of her.