Labor win assured in 2022


In a world exclusive, The Bug has been handed a secret advance copy of the Labor Party’s report into its shock loss at the May 18 election and this newspaper can reveal the report’s authors are confident that Labor will end nine years in the wilderness at the next federal poll if it implements its findings.

“Never again must the Australian Labor Party go to an election armed with a set of policies no matter how well thought out or relevant they might be to the nation’s future prosperity and social cohesion,” the report, leaked exclusively to The Bug, states in its findings.

“The big-target strategy proved, in hindsight, a tactical political blunder of untold dimensions that must never, ever be repeated.

“Our proud labor movement must learn quickly from our own grave mistakes and vow to replicate, indeed surpass, the successful tactics of our Liberal and National Party opponents in taking just one policy platform to the people in 2022 – and that’s a solemn pledge to make the federal government’s role in Australian life even less relevant than the LNP could ever hope to achieve.”

The report was compiled by former Prime Minister Julia Gillard, one of her senior ministers in her second term of office Dr Craig Emerson (pictured at top) and the Member for Hunter Joel Fitzgibbon who asked to be on the panel after his political near-death experience at the election sparked a morbid fear that he might have to get a real job that would expose his total lack of talent.

The report states: “The Australian people on May 18 clearly backed the LNP’s one and only policy – to slash government income with its radical three-stage income-tax restructure.

“The people of Australia clearly want the federal government to get out of their lives, and here was the ALP foolishly calling for an old-fashioned, traditional, high-taxing, high-spending Labor government. Well, how stupid was that in hindsight?

“It opened Labor up to that massive tax fear campaign that completely overwhelmed us. Well, never again.

“We need to beat the LNP at its own game and accelerate moves towards shutting down the federal government entirely.”

The report calls for the ALP to:

Contest the next federal election with just one policy: to implement immediately a flat 10 per cent rate for both personal income and business taxes to ensure the federal government gets out of people’s lives “as quickly as administrative and constitutional procedures will allow”.

To promise that if returned at the 2025 election, those rates would be further cut to zero in advance of a national referendum to abolish the federal tier of government entirely.

To campaign at the 2022 poll on just two basic slogans: “Hard-working Australians should get to keep more if not all of their own money” and “The LNP will always tax you more!”

Declare at that election that all future expenditure on health, public-sector education, infrastructure and local Australian Broadcasting Corporation offices must be the responsibility of state governments, and

Promise to reduce the ministry to just four posts: Prime Minister (to maintain an international presence by attending overseas meetings such as the G20, international sporting events involving Australia, etc); Deputy Prime Minister (to act as leader while the PM is away); Minister for Private School Education (to keep private school tuition fees manageable for the upper classes and besides, the Turnbull government enshrined that funding commitment in legislation) and a Minister for Defence and Homeland Security (to distribute the limited amount of money that will still trickle into government coffers to keep paying off or keep fixing up those French submarines and F-35 joint strike fighters over the decades ahead).

When contacted by The Bug, review panel chair Craig Emerson was somewhat miffed that this newspaper had prematurely stolen some of his panel’s thunder.

“Look, that report leaked to The Bug had not been totally ticked off by the panel. We’re not entirely sure the ALP should go to the next election promising all four of those ministries.

“And the panel is still a little divided on whether our no-taxes-at-all strategy should be brought forward to the 2022 poll. I’m personally of the view that flattening tax rates to that extent would really take the wind out of the Tories’ sails.

“When the Australian public realises that only the Australian Labor Party is fully committed to closing down the federal government as soon as possible, then Labor will return to power, if only for a very short time.

“And as it has been since federation, it will take a Labor government to undertake the macro reforms necessary to ensure the Australian people get the good, strong, stable non-government they clearly crave.”

Editor’s note: The image at top has been digitally created as Mr Emerson refused to be shown with the election review document leaked to this newspaper.