Australian voters conned by the Morrison Government’s numerous tax scares at the recent federal election should be forced to wear some form of identification exposing “their gullibility and stupidity”, Opposition Leader Anthony Albanese has told a stunned House of Representatives.
In a clear change of tactics that had true believers hugging and weeping openly in the public galleries, Mr Albanese also said he was sick and tired of making excuses for the ALP’s tranche of tax and spend policies that “remain crucial to this nation’s long-term prosperity”.
He said decent and intelligent Australians faced with three more years of having to listen to the likes of Morrison, Dutton, Cash, Cormann, Porter and Frydenberg sprouting their usual Labor-blaming dribble deserved the chance to confront those to blame for giving the LNP a totally undeserved third term.
“Do I give a fuck …. sorry Mr Speaker …. do I give a fig if I come across as a poor loser? Or if I offend those sucked in by LNP bullsh…sorry Mr Speaker … bulldust?
“Sadly, we’ve all got three long hard years for electors to get over any dummy spit on my part and for anyone offended by my comments to come to grips with that. Maybe, who knows, to accept they got it horribly wrong?”
Staring directly at Treasurer Josh Frydenberg, the Opposition Leader said he was not proposing that voters conned by the government’s litany of lies should be forced to wear something like the Star of David on their sleeve or have a number tattooed on an arm or anything like that. That had already been done.
“Nor am I suggesting that these people – let’s call them Morrison’s morons – should be set upon or their business windows smashed or their shops burnt out. Heaven forbid.
“But there’s a white-hot rage out there and I believe decent Australians deserve the chance to be able to go up to the people tricked into giving Mr Morrison and his ministers three more years and saying: Excuse me, sir – or madam – can I please explain to you what the fuck – sorry! what the fig you’ve done here?”
Constantly forced by the Speaker to withdraw the obscene language, Mr Albanese said his preferred method of identification was simply a small tattoo depicting a human shit – sorry, stool (pictured) – that could be “inked into the foreheads of these fools sucked in by the LNP’s farrago of fibs”.
“There’d be one tattoo if a voter believed there was going to be a retirees’ tax, another for a property tax, one more for a car tax, rental tax, death tax and so on,” Mr Albanese said.
“As mentioned I want people to be civil but say you’re an average Australian who was convinced that it was Labor’s turn to bugger up the economy and you saw someone with five or six sh…. stool tattoos across their foreheads coming towards you on a footpath, you could simply shout: ‘Hey, shit for brains! I want to have a talk to you!’
“I had originally thought of little tattoo penises and people could yell out: ‘Hey, dickhead!’ but my new speechwriter James Jeffrey thought that was a bit sexist.”
But the loudest applause from the galleries came when Mr Albanese declared he was “sick and tired of Labor going down on an apologetic bended knee and calling on the voters to give us a well-deserved kick up the arse”.
“I’m fucked – sorry, Mr Speaker, I withdraw that – I’m buggered if I’m going to accept that the only way Labor is ever going to win in 2022 is to go into that campaign without a single policy offering but armed with the mother of all negative campaigns against the government’s ‘hidden tax agenda’.
“I think we should keep a big-target strategy. What does it say about this nation if we can’t believe its citizens have the intelligence to understand a multi-layered argument?
“Besides, Bill Shorten won’t be leader so that’s a big plus for us next time round.
“And does anyone really believe that fat, self-centred, money-hungry, coal-loving chap – sorry, that cunt Clive Palmer will still be alive in three years’ time, even if he wanted to spend another $60 million getting the LNP across the line once more with personal attack ads that also claim Labor will have an ‘extra trillion dollars of taxes and costs’?”
Applause in the gallery reached its zenith at this stage and even on the floor Labor luminaries and backbenchers alike hugged one another and wiped away tears while Joel Fitzgibbon sat glumly in his seat reading the positions vacant columns of the Newcastle Herald.
And citizens down in the city centre swore the light above Capital Hill glowed brightly during Mr Albanese’s speech and remained so for some hours afterwards.