Folau diagnosis: massive brain trauma

SPORTS MEDICINE:

Controversial former Wallaby Israel Folau has undergone tests overnight that have revealed he is suffering from massive brain injuries probably inflicted during his playing days in international rugby union.

Folau apparently decided to undertake the tests after media reports emerged that several high-profile ex-rugby league players have presented with significant loss of brain function attributed to violent physical contact with opposing players over their careers.

Some of these players are now regarded as being so mentally damaged that their only work prospects are now as sideline commentators during Channel 9’s coverage of NRL games.

The results of Folau’s overnight scans (main picture) have shocked senior brain specialists at Sydney’s prestigious Glebe-based Cranial Research Institute for the Treatment of Overrated Millionaire Sports Stars with a Highly Overstated Value of their Own Worth.

Institute director Professor Iva Drillbit told The Bug: “We placed Mr Folau into our state-of-the-art $7 million MRI scanner to measure the hemodynamic response by the patient and can I be blunt? My team reckon a result of neural brain activity would have been preferable to what we found.

“While he was in the chamber, we asked a highly sedated Mr Folau a number of questions that he responded positively to.

“He actually believes there’s a magic sky daddy up there somewhere, a white dude with a beard overlooking the activities of all humans on earth.

“Not only that but this magic sky daddy belongs to just his version of one of the hundreds if not thousands of deities followed by humans over history. Just his. Think about that for a while.

“Mr Folau believes that his God is the one and only true God. I mean, really, how fucked in the head is that?

“Someone with even only just 10 per cent brain function like TV panel-show hosts would see the absurdity in that entire notion.

“The patient’s responses showed he also believes this chap upstairs can answer prayers such as winning Lotto numbers and sparing sick kids with cancer and who punishes only the evil among us, including kids with cancer.

“But that if Mr Folau’s magic sky daddy kills three innocent lovely kids in  a house fire then he’s simply moving in mysterious ways.

“On social issues, we found Mr Folau thought it’s quite okay to enjoy a ride on the chocolate cha-cha with his missus but if two blokes do it they’ll rot in hell, a catacomb of smoking sulphurous tunnels overseen by a horny bloke in a red suit who carries a trident.

“That there is a rapture a’comin where all non-believers in the world will suffer eternally in a molten lake of fire while Folau and his ilk get to play harps on fluffy white clouds despite having no previous musical training or experience.”

Professor Drillbit said it was probably the worst case of brain damage he and his team of specialists have ever encountered.

“It’s entirely outside of my professional remit of course but I’d advise Mr Folau to cease immediately his campaign to be reinstated to the Wallabies side.

“If he does that, he’ll be a loser in more ways that one.”