Question Time in the 46th Australian Parliament is going to be a far more truthful, respectful and decent experience – and the Australian public has re-elected Prime Minister Scott Morrison to thank for it.
Each and every 75-minute QT from the July 2 reopening of the House of Representatives will be monitored by a state-of-the-art device called the porkometer, the brainchild of PM Morrison who has been stung – nay, deeply hurt – by some suggestions in the mainstream media that his surprise reelection was based of a farrago of lies and obfuscations.
The porkometer will sit by the dispatch box and monitor answers give by Mr Morrison and his ministers. Powered by the latest in 21st Century LED technology, the porkometer will glow green and rotate slowly as long as an answer is open and honest and relevant to the question asked, be it from across the aisle or a Dorothy Dixer from behind the front bench.
Monitoring the QT from a room in Parliament House will be the ABC’s Fact Check team led by Madeline Morris. As soon as a ministerial porky is detected, they’ll hit the switch so the porkometer flashes red, rotates faster and emits an irritating growl that grows in volume depending on the size of the lie being sprouted.
A red-hot porky will be met with a redhot porkometer (right), forcing the speaker to either recant immediately or terminate their answer and sit down.
A spokesperson for Mr Morrison said the PM thought of the idea while having a fair-dinkum holiday on a Fiji resort island with his family this week.
“He has been very, very hurt by accusations that much of the LNP’s campaign was highly negative and based on outright lies, if not gross misrepresentations, about “taxes” Labor planned to introduce if it won office.
“As a man of God, he knows that wasn’t the case and points to the efforts he and his team made to hose down scandalous rumours of a Labor 40% death tax but the perception has persisted so he’s determined to prove everybody wrong by making QTs from now on totally open, honest, relevant and civil.
“Sure, the public galleries will be empty but the PM thinks that’s a small price to pay for parliamentary probity and professionalism.
“Mr Morrison is determined to make sure his fresh term of office is also free of personal and vindictive attacks on Opposition members, something he advocated for strongly during the campaign, along with an end to racist dog-whistling as soon as some Mussies were killed.
“And that’s why the porkometer he’s designed with the help of ABC technicians has a third setting – it flashes yellow for disgusting yellow-bellied personal attacks across the chamber.
“Mr Albanese as the new Opposition Leader can rest assured that there will be no vicious attacks on his personality, past personal history, any perceived character faults or the fact that he wasn’t fully toilet trained until he was nine or is a chronic nose-picker unfit to every be prime minister of this great country of ours.”
A spokesperson for Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton said that while the minister supported the idea of the porkometer in principle he would nevertheless deeply regret having to miss Question Time for the next three years.
Below: PM Morrison remains indebted to SMH writer Max Koslowski for reporting how the LNP election campaign team “lost control” of the death tax scare campaign. That web of unfortunate lies that were at complete odds with Mr Morrison’s Christian principles was one of the catalysts for the PM’s porkometer brainwave.