Morrison’s Morons in Labor’s sights

FEDERAL POLITICS:

Forget Howard’s tradies and battlers from the decade to 2005. The greatest problem facing a shattered Australian Labor Party over the next three years in unexpected opposition is how to win back the support of “Morrison’s Morons”.

Morrison’s Morons are the largely uneducated voters from low socioeconomic backgrounds who swung their support behind the Morrison LNP government in the recent federal election campaign.

And The Bug can reveal that while the Labor campaign to woo back these voters to the fold has begun in earnest, senior party strategists are acutely aware of the enormity of the task ahead of them.

But expect to see a rebranded and far more aggressive performance from Opposition Leader Anthony Albanese (pictured at top) from now on.

A number of studies from reputable organisations and the Institute of Public Affairs since the 18 May election have pointed to this Morrison’s Morons demographic as the one that warmed most to the sports-loving, beer-chugging, daggy-dad, policy-free, bloke-next-door image that Prime Minister Scott Morrison pursued ruthlessly during the campaign.

Those same studies have found that the voters most likely to be attracted to Labor’s tranche of economic and social reforms were better-educated voters who actually understood the party’s tax and spend plans and saw merit in them as a way to achieve a more equitable and fairer society.

“That’s the last time we’ll go to an election with serious policies like that,” a senior Labor strategist told The Bug. “What a bucketload of shit those policies turned out to be and we had them tipped all over us.

“No. It’s Morrison’s Morons whom we need to get back in the Labor fold if we’re to have any chance of winning in 2022.

“The trouble for us is that these people are basically as thick as two bricks.

“One brain cell less and we wouldn’t have to worry about them at all because they wouldn’t have the intelligence needed to walk down to a polling booth.

“How do you appeal to people who thought Scott Morrison was in any way, shape or form anything remotely like them?

“Who thought their utes were going to be taken off them?

“Who thought Labor was going to tax them to death – and beyond?

“Still, we’ve got to try.”

The Bug understands that as part of this campaign to win back “these brain-dead, drooling, complete-waste-of-oxygen morons’, Australians from now on can expect to see a vastly different Opposition Leader in public and on the airwaves. There will be a lot less pollie waffle and a lot more pub, club and mall walk-throughs.

“We thought there was no better time to start this rebranding of Albo’s image than right now while Morrison is out of the country sunburning himself for Australia on a Fiji holiday resort island beach,” the Labor tactician said.

“We asked Albo what sports team in his electorate he wanted to champion and he was a little lukewarm about it to start with, replying: ‘There are sports teams in Grayndler?’

“We know he loves nothing better at the weekends than to snuggle up in a warm bed with the works of Noam Chomsky, Joseph Stalin’s memoirs, Sun Tzu’s The Art of War and some Trotskyist-themed crosswords but we talked him around.

“Expect to see him later today wearing a Marrickville Mothers Crochet Wall Hanging Group cap and giving his team a regular “how good are those Marrickville Mothercrocheters?” thumbs up.

“We’re also arranging a number of pub visits every week from now on where he can mix with common folk to show just how relaxed he can be in their company as long as it’s not for too long.

“Albo’s been practicing over recent days and he can down a Resch’s tallie in under 35 seconds, wiping the foam off his chin and declaring ‘How good is that old bloke’s beer, hey?’

“Okay, he’s no Bob Hawke yet but we’re also schooling him up with a number of harmless dad jokes to tell in those hotel bars as well. And how to have a PubTAB flutter and pull a pretend winning ticket out of a pocket before yelling: ‘You bloody beauty!’. And pretending to shout a round. All that stuff that’s so crucial nowadays.

“He’s stubbornly sticking to the notion that he should have at least some basic policies to spruik but we’re confident we can convince him of the grave dangers inherent in ever doing that again.

“I’m not one to be giving Morrison tips but I’d get my fat, right-wing, lying, faux-Christian arse back here right now if I were him. The 2022 campaign has begun, Scottie, and Albo wants your job!”