A guidebook that interprets the words of newly elected federal Opposition Leader Anthony Albanese is being rushed out by the Labor Party’s national secretariat – and it can’t come quickly enough as the party sets about rebuilding after its shock election loss.
Albanese, the self-confessed “rough around the edges, plain-talker” is perhaps as not as plain talking as he thinks he is. Hence the reason for the 120-page book: Laboring the point: Albo speak for beginners.
The book contains dozens of Albanese comments made after the election and prior to and after his uncontested ascendancy to the leadership and unravels them nicely so that average voters can get a handle on the man and where he wants to take the ALP.
The Bug in this exclusive preview reprints some telling examples:
Albanese: “If you lose an election, the policies lapse; that’s what happens…”
What he actually means or meant to say: “There was nothing wrong with our fucking policies. We’ve just got to disguise them better next time.”
Albanese: “The voters have made their decision and as we live in one of the world’s great democracies Labor has to accept their verdict.”
What he actually means or meant to say: “The dumb fuckers have been well and truly conned here but I’d better not say that for a little while longer as I don’t want to come across as a poor loser.”
Albanese: “The voters have sent us a clear message that we have to change.”
What he actually means or meant to say: “Geez, I’d love to meet up with every voter who was conned by those death tax ads and give them a bloody nose, or worse.”
Albanese: “Labor accepts that Mr Morrison has won this election fair and square and Labor simply has to accept that fact.”
What he actually means or meant to say: “The cunt has scraped back into power with outrageous lies about our entire policy suite and we’re as made as hell. Their retiree/superannuation/housing/car and death tax scares made our Mediscare campaign in 2016 look like a kindergarten push-and-shove.”
Albanese: “We will have to review our policies but not our values.”
What he actually means or meant to say: “No, I haven’t got the foggiest what that means either or how you do one without the other. I hope elsewhere in this book some sense is made of it.”
Albanese: “Labor is going to have to completely revisit its policies on climate change and global warming.”
What he actually means or meant to say: “What the fuck are voters going to think of us if an issue we thought was so important to the world’s very existence before and during the campaign is just cast aside as if it no longer counts?”
Albanese: “We don’t expect the next election will see a replay of Clive Palmer’s $60 million anti-Labor advertising spend.”
What he actually means or meant to say: “If the fat cunt doesn’t cark it before then so help me, we’ll get some CFMMEU thug to bump the bastard off.”
Albanese: “It will be a matter for me if Bill Shorten is in shadow cabinet or in the outer ministry.”
What he actually means or meant to say: “I’d rather have him in outer Mongolia than the outer ministry.”
Albanese: ” I’m making it very clear as leader of the Labor Party, I want the best team, and the best team includes Kristina Keneally.”
What he actually means or meant to say: “I sure as hell hope some bloke will fall on his sword and make room for her in the shadow cabinet otherwise everyone will know the factions are still running the show and I’ll be fucked from day one.”
Albanese: “The Labor Party’s position on the Adani mine is crystal clear.”
What he actually means or meant to say: “Life would be a helluva lot easier if the Galilee Basin was made up entirely of crystal. They could mine that shit ’til the cows come home.”