Lord Downer of Adelaide Hills has broken his silence on last weekend’s federal election result by announcing ABC psephologist Antony Green has declared Countess Dowager Lady Georgina Downer the rightfully elected MP for Mayo.
Lord Downer’s statement was delivered at a hastily arranged news conference at his residence Pout House that started shortly after a joint news conference in Sydney by ABC Chair Ita Buttrose and NSW Police Commissioner Mick Fuller was aired at which they expressed concern for Mr Green’s welfare.
Ms Buttrose said Mr Green had been reported missing by friends and work colleagues three days ago.
“The ABC, on advice from NSW Police, did not initially make our concerns public but now we are asking anyone with information about Antony’s whereabouts to come forward,” she said.
Commissioner Fuller said for several days since the election Mr Green had not been in contact with friends or family and his house was found to have been left unlocked and signs of a possible struggle when police visited to check on his welfare.
The Sydney news conference was interrupted by news of Lord Downer’s own appearance at Pout House accompanied by his daughter (pictured) and his acknowledgement that Mr Green had in fact been his “house guest” for several days.
Mr Green did not accompany Lord Downer and her ladyship but His Lordship said Mr Green was “the very picture of health”.
“He has certainly not come to any harm while staying for a few nights at Pout House at my invitation,” His Lordship said.
When reporters pressed for details and evidence of Mr Green’s condition, Lord Downer held up a hand to silence them and tapped his ivory narwhal tusk cane with gold cap several times on the floor.
This brought to the room a strapping, milky-skinned young houseman wearing a powdered wig and, inexplicably, nothing else.
The lad carried a large leather folder which preserved his modesty in the mixed company present.
Lord Downer gestured to the young man to open the folder and at that reporters saw a photo of Mr Green which His Lordship said proved his robust state of health (main picture).
“I have ensured Mr Green has had every comfort and convenience whilst a guest under my roof,” Lord Downer declared.
“Why, I personally selected the three muscular groundskeepers who have kept him ‘entertained’ during his nights in the Pout House guest cellar.
“Throughout his time here Mr Green has been most helpful in analysing the so-called ‘votes’ cast by the so-called ‘voters’ in Mayo.
“After just a few days of relaxation and, after careful consideration, Mr Green has today informed me that my darling daughter has indeed every right to be declared the new Member for Mayo. Huzzah!”
While His Lordship spoke, Commissioner Fuller in Sydney announced he had succeeded in having SA Police mobilised and a contingent was speeding to Pout House to recover Mr Green and question Lord Downer and his daughter.
At that news, Countess Downer swooned and slumped in a nearby chair as His Lordship placed a lace cuff to his forehead and became unsteady on his feet, but sufficiently competent to lunge sideways several metres towards the naked milky-skinned lad where he slumped into his arms in a dead faint before father and daughter were carried from the room.