Shorten campaign dogged by scandal

FEDERAL ELECTION:

In this world exclusive, Daily Telegraph editor Ben English invited The Bug into the newspaper’s Sydney HQ to show off some of the News Corp Australia front pages being prepared for that masthead and other Murdoch tabloids around Australia in the dying days of Campaign 2019.

A proud-as-punch Mr English introduced The Bug to the art department tyros working on the front-page splashes that are due to start on Wednesday morning.

And forget any notion of this being a #killbill exercise. With polling day looming, this is a #vaporisebill project if there ever was one. These front pages are designed to bury Shorten and Labor once and for all. If you can bury mist, that is.

The first artist’s monitor The Bug examined left that in no doubt. We take up the conversation there.

English: These are really the money shots for us. They are going to be on the front page of the Daily Tele, Courier-Mail, Herald Sun, Advertiser, Hobart Mercury and West Australian on Saturday morning. A lot of other News Corp regional titles too.

The Bug: Wow, they certainly are sensational. When were they taken?

English: Taken? No, our art department kids knocked them up yesterday using the latest Photoshop software.

The Bug: Well, they certainly look authentic. Is that a Dalmatian Bill Shorten is fucking there in the main one?

English: Well spotted. It’s a Dalmation/Great Dane cross actually but it is great piece of work, isn’t it?

The Bug:  Certainly is. That dog really looks distressed. That heading ANIMAL ACT. Looks about 400 point?

English: Well spotted again. Bodoni extra bold condensed.

The Bug: Look, we’ve put out some pretty controversial stuff ourselves over the years. Are you sure these are okay, legally?

English: Mate, it’s all been checked and cleared by our top-shelf defamation lawyers.

The Bug: : Chris Kenny and Co?

English: That’s them. Anyway, that’s the clincher for polling day. Over here is our front page for tomorrow.

The Bug: : My God that’s an ugly closeup of the Opposition Leader. I didn’t realise he had so many facial moles. Love the big heading: HOLY MOLEY!

Engish: And do you like the kicker? Cancer specialist gives Shorten weeks to live.

The Bug: My goodness. Who’s the specialist who has spotted these various melanomas you talk about in the write-off?

English: We haven’t found one yet but we will.

The Bug: I do like the smaller photo of Albanese with the heading: DO YOU WANT COMMIE ALBO AS PM?

English: It’s certainly going to give swinging voters out there something to think about.

The Bug: Look, we appreciate we can’t use either of those front page seeing they haven’t run yet – not that we could use the dog-fucking one in a family-friendly newspaper like ours – but do you have something we use as the main graphic for our story?

English: You’re in luck. Tyrone, print off a copy of the front page we were going to use today but sadly had to pull. We had this great BABIES THROWN OVERBOARD story we were working on with the Morrison Government about some shocking incidents off Christmas Island overnight but it all fell apart at the last moment for some reason.

The Bug: : Don’t you hate it when that happens?

English: It was a bummer, alright. It was a deadset game – and vote – changer.

Tomorrow: We preview the front pages to be run by News Corp papers on Thursday and Friday. They’ll take your breath away.