The only pole that counts….

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With the federal election fast approaching its climax, the world’s prickliest sex therapist has been deluged with people suffering from various electile dysfunctions. Here are just some of the pleas for help from around the country.

Dear Doctor Dick
Ever since the federal election was called, I’ve been having these vivid, highly erotic dreams of three-way sex with Scott Morrison and Bill Shorten. I believe young people call it a sandwich? Anyway, I’m deeply disturbed by these visions and have prayed mightily to the Heavenly Father above for His forgiveness. But any advice you can give will also be of great comfort to me.

Retired nun (just a humble Sister) (name withheld)
Villa Maria Convent, somewhere in Australia.

Doctor Dick replies: My thoughts are with you, Sister, at this most troubling of times. Yes, sandwich is a common term for the nightmares you’ve been experiencing. Or, to be topical, a three-cornered contest.

Indeed, the very thought of these two powerful men hammering away at you from opposite sends of the political spectrum must be anathema to you as someone who has spent her life spreading the good Lord’s message rather than her legs.

And I can’t even imagine the damage it must be doing to you on the hole, both physically and mentally.

Just remember that Mr Morrison is a devoted follower of Pentecostalism while Mr Shorten shamelessly surrendered his Catholicism to become an Anglican so you, my dear Sister, would know more than most people that mixed marriages very rarely work.

Stay confident that these disturbing visions will soon disappear faster that the remaining altar wine at the end of a Sunday communion service.

Dear Doctor Dick
I have had absolutely no interest in politics – or indeed a sexual life involving another – since the retirement of that absolutely gorgeous hunk of manhood, Christopher Pyne (pictured above).

I’m a single woman who has not been interested in any other man for years since I first clapped eyes on the man I call “my South Australian stud from Sturt”. Why would I when I could have regularly on my tele such a handsome specimen! That wonderful, wavy hair. Those expressive hand movements … oh, what those hands could do! Those sparkling, cheeky eyes that promised so much.

What memerising wit, what charm, that forceful defence of his own side of politic’s positions while executing humiliating and effective putdowns on a hopeless and hapless Opposition.

I’m not embarrassed to say this but I could get all the jollies I’ve ever needed just by watching Mr Pyne in Question Time in Parliament and I could bring myself to climax just watching him and without touching myself at all.

Is there anything wrong with me for being so totally besotted by such a sexy, perfect specimen of manhood, especially seeing I’m 92?

Gladys Williams
Glebe, Sydney

Doctor Dick replies: In the 30 years I have been dispensing advice for this publication, I have never, ever, responded to what are clearly made up missives and I have no intention of starting now.

Dear Doctor Dick
Since the election was called, my wife has insisted on wearing a Michaelia Cash face mask during our lovemaking sessions. It’s making it all but impossible for me to … well, you know … rise to the occasion, so to speak. Please help!

F. Smyth
Railway Parade, Townsville.

Doctor Dick replies: You need a mental whiteboard for your brain.

Dear Doctor Dick
I love my husband very much…

Doctor Dick replies:
Requests for help that begin like that never end well…

Dear Doctor Dick
I thought that might be the case…

Doctor Dick replies:
But that’s not to say your situation is completely irredeemable. I’m sure I can help in some way so please start again..

Dear Doctor Dick
I love my husband very much but his interest in this election is bordering on the obsessive. He’s spending so much time on his computer watching news coverage of the what’s happening on the hustings, searching out all the polls he can find to see how trends are going, gauging gaffes, monitoring missteps, checking online odds in all 151 seats over and over again, all sorts of things.

It means he’s coming up to bed late every night and well, to be frank, he says he’s simply too tired whenever I suggest a little bit of hanky panky which really does help me sleep, What can I do?

Billinudgel, NSW

Doctor Dick replies: Tell him that when it comes to erections, there’s only one pole that counts … HIS!