Clive’s got us in the palmer of his hand

ELECTION 2019:

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The strong showing for Clive Palmer’s United Australia Party in last week’s #newspoll of four marginal seats surprised many political observers including The Bug and its high-powered team of political reporters and analysts.

So we immediately dispatched teams around the nation to see just how many voters were leaning towards the Big Fella and his UAP.

 

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Cleaver Limp, 65, businessman, Brisbane

“I’m voting for Clive Palmer and his United Australia Party because he is the only one with good ideas. Like a fast train. That’s a great idea and it would be good for commuters, tourists, and people needing to get away quickly from creditors.”

 

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Vela Crimple, 65, housewife, Gold Coast  

“My vote is going to the United Australia Party because I think that Clive Palmer chap is such a nice man. He is the only one making sense. He has good ideas for our country. And I believe him when he says he doesn’t know where his nephew is.”

 

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Pelvic Realm, 65, former Queensland Nickel employee, Townsville

“I vote in the Herbert electorate and it might surprise you but me and all my jobless mates are supporting Clive Palmer’s United Australia Party because he did all he could for people like us who lost their jobs through no fault of his, and I think he has every right to spend many tens of millions of dollars on election campaign ads to secure a Senate seat and a commensurate salary that will go towards funding my entitlements.”

 

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Micell Paver, 65, salesman, Sydney

“I’m voting for Clive Palmer and his United Australia Party because of his brilliant economic policies that I hope you don’t ask me about in any detail. Plus he wants to rebuild the Titanic which I’m sure will be just as successful as the original.”

 

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Clive Palmer, 65, founder and leader of the United Australia Party.

“Bloody hell! What were the chances that I’d be chosen for your newspaper’s random vox pop? Anyway, it gives me a chance to state once again how keen I am to see all those Townsville nickel refinery workers paid their full entitlements. After arguing for yonks that it was the administrators’ responsibility, I now fully accept that it’s my duty – the only fair thing to do, really – to stump up the $70 million needed to resolve this, and I will be as soon as those workers vote for me and the election’s over. That’s my promise. My word is my bond. Honestly.”