Put away the glasses. It’s all over!


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Your one-eyed columnist has observed a little bit of skittish negativity among my left-leaning friends about the outcome of the May 18 election. It’s probably understandable when such fine people hope for the very best for their country yet fret as they watch the ruthless simplicity with which Prime Minister Scott Morrison is executing his campaign strategy so far, with the media’s help.

Shorten is a shifty liar and a big taxer out to take your hard-earned out of your pockets. Labor is going to tax Oz to a standstill. Difficult questions are all part of the “Canberra bubble” and summarily dismissed. And for a man obsessed with Shorten’s truthfulness and bound by his own Christian values of fairness and honesty, Morrison is showing he’s pretty much the master of mendacity himself.

I guess I can understand my friends’ concerns, especially with so-called balanced and professional political scribes poll-pushing for all their worth.

Given that anything can happen in a two-horse race, there’s always a chance that a few months from now, Prime Minister Morrison will once again be sworn in by his owner, a certain flaccid-arsed, ethics free, money-hungry, self-centred, increasingly senile, octogenarian Yank cunt (pictured at top).

I’ve put together a 21-point list which I hope my dear friends can take comfort from, chill out a bit and thus confidently order in the bottles of champers for the big night. As Ned Ryerson would say, it’s going to be a doozey.

Here’s my first seven reasons why Labor is going to do very nicely on 18 May, thank you very much. They are in no  particular order.

1. Morrison and his ministerial mob of bullies, blowhards, braggarts and bores can repeat ad nauseum how well they’ve managed the economy but it’s almost entirely bullshit.

It’s hard to believe that the LNP have fucked up the economy more in the last three years than in their first three under the Mad Monk and Fizza. We all know that net and gross debt have ballooned out.

With all the services the Tories have cut over the last six years, and with unexpected windfalls from higher coal and iron ore export prices, that really takes some doing.

We hit a technical recession the other month so what can the Morrison government point to? Employment figures that are rorted to billyo? If you can spell “job” you’re in the full-time employed bracket nowadays. There is that 2019-20 projected surplus but it is just that – a projection.

Probably the most ironic thing about this campaign is that the more the LNP tell us how good economic managers they are, the more it shits off the general populace. You know the ones: those doing two shitty part-time jobs to make ends meet; those with one good job but whose wages have barely kept level with inflation, and those who no longer receive penalty rates for some shifts.

2. Flicking Fizza was the greatest of follies even though he sure was a first-class flop of a fop.

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Remember the Ponce of Point Piper. Mr Harbourside Mansion. God’s – and the media’s – gift to 21st Century Australian politics.

Still, didn’t Malcolm Turnbull look so statesmanlike? But he sold his soul for the job he thought was virtually his birthright and boasted he could have had for as long as he wanted. He showed no leadership on issues he professed to hold dear, was shit on the hustings and often made Bjelke-Petersen sound like a silky-smooth orator.

Yet for some reason, especially in Victoria, people are still upset at his knifing. I know, a Sydneysider with a silver spoon stuck in his gob – go figure, eh? – and the LNP as a result looks set to hand over government in that state alone.

3. Bill Shorten is not the liability the LNP think he is/Morrison isn’t the vote winner the LNP hope he is.

Anyone else out there had a $60-$80 million taxpayer-funded white-hot probe shoved far up their muckhole to see what’s there? Abbott did that to Shorten’s “corrupt” trade union arse and yet found a few things that were damaging but not life threatening.

But Shorten’s not liked, we’re told. Leigh Sales begins interviews with the Opposition Leader with that observation.

It’s true that Shorten would probably still be trailing as preferred PM if the Potato with Dead Eyes had become PM. Shorten lacks in charisma and he won’t be a brilliant PM – how many of those have we had? – but he’ll be okay.

Morrison? He’s certainly bunging on the bloke-next-door charm at the moment. Someone hand him a beer to chug-a-lug and a footie to kick. I suspect the electorate is fast working him out. I pulled a rather recalcitrant booger out of my left nostril this morning that had more Christianity to it than the Happy Clapper Slogan Bogan from the Shire has in his entire body.

4. The time’s up factor.

Six years – two terms – doesn’t sound a lot but it is to voters increasingly disenchanted with the whole political process and its major players. The most damage at poll time, though, goes to the parties in power.

5: The LNP plan to move savagely to a flat-rate income tax system.

This is, for mine, the election’s big sleeper and will hurt the Morrison government greatly as the campaign gathers pace.

Australia has been served well from a progressive tax system. The LNP’s harebrained scheme to have wage earners from $45,001 to $200,000 paying the same 30% tax from the mid 2020s is ill-considered and dangerous.

Labor’s argument – that with bad international economic headwinds threatening, now is not the time to be moving towards a flat tax rate by the mid 2020s – is compelling.

6. The bookies are never wrong …. well, rarely.

Presently on Sportsbet, Labor is leading the LNP in seven Coalition-held Queensland electorates, very comfortably in several. Latest Sportsbet odds are: Dickson: Labor $1.65; Coalition $2.20; Flynn: Labor $1.40; Coalition $2.75; Forde: Labor $1.33; Coalition $3.00; Bonner: Labor $1.38; Coalition $2.70; Dawson: Labor $1.50; Coalition $2.40; Leichhardt: Labor $1.70; Coalition $2.50; Petrie: Labor $1.54; Coalition $2.35.

Overnight, Capricornia flipped back over to the LNP at $1.80 with Labor on $1.91. Herbert and Flynn also tightened as Sportsbet undoubtedly factored in Clive Palmer’s improvement in the limited #newspoll last week and with Palmer’s Herbert candidate Greg “Dishhead” Dowling threatening to pull out of the race if Palmer gives preferences to Labor.

Apart from those overnight changes, I have not been a betting odds watcher so maybe these odds have tightened over recent times as well? I can only follow trends from now on.

7. Rupe’s rotten rags can give it their best shot but they’re largely impotent.

Sit back and enjoy watching The Courier-Mail, Daily Telegraph, Herald Sun, Hobart Mercury and Adelaide Advertiser, etc, damage their brands further and shorten the working lives of their journos and other staff with their risible, disgraceful, unprofessional, highly biased coverage of the campaign all to please a Yank who lives in New York.

Get angry if you want to, as well, then get even at the ballot box.

And remember recent campaigns where #newscorpse’s toxic approach has proved basically counter-productive. Doubt that? Ask Campbell Newman and Tim Nicholls in Queensland. And Des Houghton if he’s stopped crying by now.

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NEXT TIME: 8 to 14

Don Gordon-Brown