Abbott’s dogged defence of his realm

MANLY, Sydney: Former Prime Minister Tony Abbott has pulled his 10th dead domestic animal – a personal record – from under a home in his electorate of Warringah as he continues to showcase his new-found interest in local and state government issues as he strives to continue his 26-year federal political career.

“Thank goodness it wasn’t the height of summer,” Mr Abbott joked as he cleaned up outside a Curl Curl home. “The residents here rang me to report their old doberman pinscher cross, Sammy, missing a week ago and the bugger fell apart as I tried to drag him free with a leg rope. I had to pull him out bit by bit by hand and he sure did pong.”

Mr Abbott apologised for shutting down the interview but he had some footpaths at Fairlight to mow, a leaking tap in some units near Neutral Bay to attend to, and some free Daily Telegraphs to leave on people’s front lawns across the electorate.

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PENRITH, Sydney: Prime Minister Scott Morrison has thrilled journalists on the LNP media campaign bus by briefly talking in tongues during a general spray about Bill Shorten’s character defects.

“Shaba daba yabba dabba do! Ouchi couchi cama mera cama mara tosa nosa cama wacky brown,” the PM said, his eyes spinning, his face turned to the bus roof and his arms raised in exultation. “Ava nagera ava nervosa ava gardner goo goo g’joob goo goo g’joob.”

ABC tyro Jane Norman was heard to ask her colleagues: “Was that really our Lord Jesus Christ talking to us using Mr Morrison’s tongue, breath and lips? Wow!”

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MANLY, Sydney: Controversial northern beaches identity Captain Get-it-Up (pictured) has had wilful exposure and indecent behaviour charges thrown out in Manly Local Court.captain getup.jpg

Captain Get-It-Up was arrested several days ago for allegedly exposing himself to a number of Paddington Bears in the shopfront of a local toy and novelty shop  and for dry-rooting the image of a smiling young woman in an advertising poster in the Manly Corso for a local dental clinic offering a very reasonable teeth cleaning/whitening special.

The court was closed to the public while a medical officer gave evidence that he had examined the defendant and found that Captain Get-It-Up had nothing to expose or indeed rub up against anything.