Church speaking tour in doubt

RELIGION:

A national Pentecostal evangelical talking tour is in doubt with church followers angry about travel costs and access to speaking venues.

The Christian Understanding National Tour is the brainchild of church elder Pastor Scott Morrison (pictured above in all his oratorial splendour), who kicked off the series of speaking engagements last Thursday. But the lengthy, five-week CUNT program is in real trouble if the attitudes of churchgoers on one of the buses following the tour are anything to go by.

The Bug can reveal that many on the bus this newspaper approached have claimed that:

They’ve been kept in the dark about where and when the next CUNT sermon is to be delivered;

They’ve been “held captive” on the bus while Pastor Morrison has slipped away and made an impromptu  CUNT speech not on their itinerary; and

Many of the speaking venues have been nowhere near the standard of Hillsong presentations they’ve become accustomed to.

“We’re all paying roughly a thousand dollars a day for the duration of CUNT and it’s simply not good enough,” one worshipper said. “Some of the venues have been warehouses and factory floors. There been no thumping music, no big backing choir, no laying on of hands, no fantastic light and fireworks display, no air-conditioning, no lucky door prizes, no anything.

“Yet it hasn’t stopped the CUNTs sending around the donation plates afterwards.”

And spare a thought for one young devotee on the bus, Matty Doran. At several speaking events, he’s been forced by Pastor Morrison’s minders to don King G overalls and other industrial work gear and stand behind Mr Morrison during his sermons with other equally startled young people from other tour buses.

“Not only did they pretend I was a 15-year-old apprentice but Pastor Morrison and some strange looking sheila with a horrible, horrible voice kept calling me Johnny,” Doran said. “I’m almost 18, for fuck’s sake.”

Others expressed their grave concern that Mr Morrison sneaking off for his own CUNT engagements meant they stood the chance they’d miss the church elder talking in tongues.

“We’ve been promised Pastor Morrison will be doing that at least once. It’s going to be an absolute highlight to see and hear that,” said one. “To be present to hear our Good Lord Jesus talking directly to us through a human being on earth will be something to cherish all the rest of our lives. We’ll be furious if we miss that CUNT highlight.”

His comment sparked some debate among those on the bus about whether Pastor Morrison had in fact been talking in tongues already on the tour.

“The one he did where he said Australians had the choice to choose the choice of the choice they choose came close,” one said, to general nods of agreement.

Several other sermons over recent days had been “borderline”, most agreed.