Lord Downer decries ‘election’


Lord Downer (pictured) says his daughter the Dowager Countess Lady Georgina Downer is ready now to assume her rightful place in the Australian Parliament and there is no need to wait for the “so-called federal election” set for 18 May.

Speaking during an inspection of the orangerie in the grounds of Pout House high in the Adelaide Hills, Lord Downer said there was no need to wait five weeks or more to fill the family seat of Mayo.

Flanked by two young barechested gardeners his Lordship declared: “My darling daughter is ready and able to assume office immediately, with no need for a bothersome and wasteful process such as this so-called ‘election’ that some people have been muttering about.

“We do not need to stoop to the level of others by having so-called ‘policies’ about some flibbertigibbet nonsense such as taxation which, after all, is a matter solely for ….”, and here his Lordship held a kerchief to his nose as if a malevolent odour had inflicted itself on his nostrils, before continuing, “….serfs and the merchant classes.

“We do not need to release so-called ‘policies’ on electric sedan chairs, or home ownership which, after all, is a very simple matter of inheriting modest properties such as my own beloved cottage,” he said waving his lorgnette in the general direction of the 143-room Pout House.

“There is also no need to worry my fellow noblemen by seeking their views on my darling Georgina’s suitability and capability.

“I have already spoken to many of them over luncheon at my club and every one of them is supporting darling Georgina, so that is where the matter must end and must end now,” an emotional Lord Downer said while beginning to appear unsteady on his feet from the strain.

“Clearly there is no need for the jackanapes, shabbaroons, and other riff-raff who are passed off as the so called ‘voters’ in the seat of Mayo to have anything to do with the decision.

“After all the ruling classes are meant to be just that, the ruling classes,” his Lordship declared at great volume after which, clearly exhausted, he steadied himself by wrapping an arm around the sweaty torso of one of the young gardeners.

After being advised by a reporter that the Australian Constitution and federal electoral laws required Lady Downer to face the people in a ballot against other candidates on election day and win a majority of votes to take Mayo, Lord Downer uttered a strangled scream.

“Oh noooooo,” he said, barely concealing tears. “My darling Georgina, why must you be tortured so? Why do they persecute such a delicate, pretty young flower? Why can’t they just……”

At that moment Lord Downer fell into a dead faint, but managed to prevent himself from falling by grabbing at the trouser belts of both young gardeners, causing immodest exposures which both tried to correct without success before carrying His Lordship to his quarters in Pout House.