Don’t be an April fool…..

For those smart people who don’t step out their front door until they know what The Bug’s famed soothsayer has in store for them, here’s what April will bring. So GET UP! STEP OUT! Kisma will keep you safe.

ARIES
March 21 – April 19tim wilson modern liberal.jpg

You see Tim Wilson and Dave Sharma advertising themselves as MODERN Liberals, and you can only assume MODERN is an acronym for Mendacious Obnoxious Deceitful Egregious Repulsive Niggards.

TAURUS
April 20 – May 20

Your hopes of a career in journalism are dashed when The Courier-Mail is the only newspaper that responds to your CV with a job offer.

SCOTT MORRISON
13 May 1968

You start to wonder if you can take a break. Okay, NZ Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern only wanted to shake hands but even though you made her hug you, it’s not as if you did any thrusting with your hips, tried a bit of tongue action or anything like that.

GEMINI
May 21 – June 20pope-francis.0.0

After watching Pope Francis desperately trying to stop the ordinary Catholic faithful from kissing his ring for hygiene reasons – but then later letting nuns kiss it willy-nilly – you can only assume the Pope knows nuns have an inbuilt immunity from catching diseases after kissing priests’ rings over many centuries.

PAULINE HANSON
27 May 1954

Days after your media conference, you are still delighted that you’ve used just the right amount of mispronunciations and absurd comments – all with that wavering, hesitant voice that shows you’re not really a politician – to keep your equally stupid and moronic One Nation base in complete thrall.

CANCER
June 21 – July 22

You suspect you’re not going to be at all surprised, after the federal government’s multi-million dollar taxpayer-funded “look how good we’ve been!” ad campaigns finish part-way through the federal-election campaign, when Scott Morrison reverts to wringing his hands and complaining bitterly how the Liberals are being outspent by the Labor Party, its union supporters and Get-Up!

JOSH FRYDENBERG
July 17, 1971

You hope you’ve gotten away with your argument that it’s only because of your party’s proven economic management skills that you can afford to give Australians a pathetic one-off payment to help with their power bills that have soared over the past six years because you’ve done fuck all about those prices or energy policy generally, for that matter.

LEO
July 23 – August 22

You have this uncontrollable urge to roar in a mighty jungle tonight. This could be problematic seeing you live in an inner-city flat the size of a shoe box.

VIRGO
August 23 – September 22

You can’t believe your luck while walking down a darkened street near your home armed only with a 2kg hardwood axe handle, you encounter the man who invented the leaf blower.

THERESA MAY
October 1, 1946

You can’t believe your luck while walking down a darkened lane at Westminster late at night and armed only with a 3lb Stuart Surridge cricket bat, you encounter David Cameron.

LIBRA
September 23 – October 22

You thank your lucky stars! You were thinking of voting for the Greens at the upcoming federal election but now, courtesy of News Corp Australia media outlets, you know what a disgusting, anti-world, anti-Christian, totally dishonest and destructive organisation they really are.

SCORPIO
October 23 – November 21

After reading a couple of editions of The Australian, you wonder if in years to come Alzheimer’s will also be known as Paul Kelly Disease.

SAGITTARIUS
November 22 – December 21

After reading a couple of editions of The Australian, you wonder if in years to come irritable bowel syndrome will also be known as Judith Sloan Disorder.

CAPRICORN
December 22 – January 19

You’re not sure what to do after you get a robo call from Andrew Bolt asking you to vote for George Pell in his upcoming court appeal against child sex convictions.

AQUARIUS
January 20 – February 18

You wonder if Graham Quirk’s replacement as Brisbane Lord Mayor will continue the dishonest, deceitful and willfully misleading practice of using the City Council’s branding image at next year’s civic elections to suggest they are the natural party of local government for the city.quirk bilboard SMALL

PISCES
February 19 – March 20

You’re still scratching your head as to how Alan Jones could be on any panel on any media platform as an expert on national politics in the lead-up to the May election.