For those smart people who don’t step out their front door until they know what The Bug’s famed soothsayer has in store for them, here’s what April will bring. So GET UP! STEP OUT! Kisma will keep you safe.
March 21 – April 19
You see Tim Wilson and Dave Sharma advertising themselves as MODERN Liberals, and you can only assume MODERN is an acronym for Mendacious Obnoxious Deceitful Egregious Repulsive Niggards.
April 20 – May 20
Your hopes of a career in journalism are dashed when The Courier-Mail is the only newspaper that responds to your CV with a job offer.
13 May 1968
You start to wonder if you can take a break. Okay, NZ Prime Minister Jacinda Ardern only wanted to shake hands but even though you made her hug you, it’s not as if you did any thrusting with your hips, tried a bit of tongue action or anything like that.
May 21 – June 20
After watching Pope Francis desperately trying to stop the ordinary Catholic faithful from kissing his ring for hygiene reasons – but then later letting nuns kiss it willy-nilly – you can only assume the Pope knows nuns have an inbuilt immunity from catching diseases after kissing priests’ rings over many centuries.
27 May 1954
Days after your media conference, you are still delighted that you’ve used just the right amount of mispronunciations and absurd comments – all with that wavering, hesitant voice that shows you’re not really a politician – to keep your equally stupid and moronic One Nation base in complete thrall.
June 21 – July 22
You suspect you’re not going to be at all surprised, after the federal government’s multi-million dollar taxpayer-funded “look how good we’ve been!” ad campaigns finish part-way through the federal-election campaign, when Scott Morrison reverts to wringing his hands and complaining bitterly how the Liberals are being outspent by the Labor Party, its union supporters and Get-Up!
July 17, 1971
You hope you’ve gotten away with your argument that it’s only because of your party’s proven economic management skills that you can afford to give Australians a pathetic one-off payment to help with their power bills that have soared over the past six years because you’ve done fuck all about those prices or energy policy generally, for that matter.
July 23 – August 22
You have this uncontrollable urge to roar in a mighty jungle tonight. This could be problematic seeing you live in an inner-city flat the size of a shoe box.
August 23 – September 22
You can’t believe your luck while walking down a darkened street near your home armed only with a 2kg hardwood axe handle, you encounter the man who invented the leaf blower.
October 1, 1946
You can’t believe your luck while walking down a darkened lane at Westminster late at night and armed only with a 3lb Stuart Surridge cricket bat, you encounter David Cameron.
September 23 – October 22
You thank your lucky stars! You were thinking of voting for the Greens at the upcoming federal election but now, courtesy of News Corp Australia media outlets, you know what a disgusting, anti-world, anti-Christian, totally dishonest and destructive organisation they really are.
October 23 – November 21
After reading a couple of editions of The Australian, you wonder if in years to come Alzheimer’s will also be known as Paul Kelly Disease.
November 22 – December 21
After reading a couple of editions of The Australian, you wonder if in years to come irritable bowel syndrome will also be known as Judith Sloan Disorder.
December 22 – January 19
You’re not sure what to do after you get a robo call from Andrew Bolt asking you to vote for George Pell in his upcoming court appeal against child sex convictions.
January 20 – February 18
You wonder if Graham Quirk’s replacement as Brisbane Lord Mayor will continue the dishonest, deceitful and willfully misleading practice of using the City Council’s branding image at next year’s civic elections to suggest they are the natural party of local government for the city.
February 19 – March 20
You’re still scratching your head as to how Alan Jones could be on any panel on any media platform as an expert on national politics in the lead-up to the May election.