The perils of Pauline: Hanson lashes out

POLITICS:

SHEMPPRESSIn the wake of damaging disclosures from that El Jazeera sting, One Nation leader Pauline Hanson sat down for a world exclusive one-on-one with The Bug’s political editor Atkins D’Neece, right.

 

The Bug: Mrs Hanson, thanks for taking time out to sit down with us today …. but I’ve got to ask, what’s with the full burqa?

Hanson: I had to do something. My face looks really horrible.

The Bug: That tick bite?

Hanson: What tick bite?

The Bug:  Right. Let’s get down to tin tacks. Your two senior One Nation colleagues have really put you and your party in deep poo over the footage of their trying to get millions of dollars in campaign funds from the National Rifle Association. Surely, that is totally indefensible in Australian politics?

Hanson: As I tweeted the other night, Atkins, the only reason all that came about was through a shocking case of illegal and disgraceful entrapment by that awful man Al Jazz Era, but it was masterminded by the Hatari government which should be totally ashamed of itself.

The Bug: Hatari?

Hanson: Yes, it should not be targeting Australian political parties and I’ve referred them to ASIO. But more than that, I’m calling on the Australian government to ban all imports of wild animals headed to Australian zoos from that awful African country.

The Bug: Hatari? It actually starts with a “Q”.

Hanson: That’s right.  There’s always a queue of people wanting to bring me down. The Hatari government is just the latest. And how John Wayne ever got tricked into having anything to do with Hatari is beyond my understanding, it really is. I mean really, wasn’t he the big fan of the National Rifle Association who once held up a gun and said “from these dead hands”?

The Bug: Well, uuum, that was actually Charlton Heston but anyway, you surely have to take responsibility for what those two said and did in their dealings with the NRA? Any future massacre in Australia would be on your head, and your party’s?

Hanson: No, I knew nothing about what those two idiots were up to. But as I said, I’m not going to take sides with the Hatari Government and Al Jazz Era. I’ll sit down with James and …. umm … that other…

The Bug: Steve Dickson.

Hanson: Yes, I need to sit down with James and Simon so I can get their story right.

The Bug: I think you might have left out a comma there. Nevertheless, can we have a look at some of your own comments? Do you really think the Port Arthur massacre was some sort of government conspiracy to bring in tougher gun laws?

Hanson: Of course not. You’d have to be as thick as a brick to think that?

The Bug: The vision we’ve seen and the words you appear to be speaking? What, they’re somehow fake?

Hanson: Of course I won’t or can’t deny those words. You’d have to be as thick as two planks to try that on. But can I please explain?

The Bug: Of course. Go ahead.

Hanson: I was on the sauce at the time.

The Bug: Scotch?

Hanson: Tomato. I’d had a big, fair dinkum, Aussie meat pie just before the meeting where that illegal and disgraceful entrapment footage was shot and I think I may have overdone the sauce a fair bit. I didn’t know at the time but my doctor has since explained that if I have too much tomato sauce I can go just a little bit silly. It’s the red colouring apparently. Sends me berko. But, nevertheless, I accept that’s no excuse and all I can say in my defence was that it was all harmless locker-room talk.

The Bug: But it wasn’t in a locker room and you’re a woman.

Hanson: Look, of course I know that Port Arthur tragedy was the result of one sick individual but sometimes I’ve got to go along with the men and appear blokey to keep the party together.

The Bug: You were being cleverly diplomatic?

Hanson: I’ve never stolen anything in my life.

The Bug: No, you were just going along with the others to avoid conflict?

Hanson: Atkins, you’ve got to, sometimes, in politics. Have you seen some of the ultra right-wing nut jobs I’ve had to accept as candidates over the years? I have absolutely nothing in common with them and I can tell you here and now, I sometimes wring my hands in despair as to some of the wretchedly awful people Pauline Hanson’s One Nation seems to attract.

The Bug: It must be horrible for you?

Hanson: It is. And some of them are so, so racist. As you would know, there’s not a racist bone in my whole body so sometimes I just have to raise my hands to the sky and say: ‘Why me, Lord. Why me?’

The Bug: Ms Hanson, thanks for your valuable time today.

Hanson: Those biscuits and drinks we enjoyed during our talk? They had better not have been halal. Or wired.

STOP PRESS: One of Australia’s largest “class action” law firms, Morris Minor Lightburn, has begun action on behalf of a large number of individual Australian bricks and countless plank couples all absolutely livid after being accused of being as thick as Pauline Hanson.