Barnaby hits rock bottom


Former Deputy Prime Minister Barnaby Joyce wants his old job back – and it’s got nothing to do with missing the power and prestige that comes with the position.

An investigation by The Bug has revealed Mr Joyce doesn’t want to be Nationals’ leader again and the second-highest political post in the land that comes with it – he needs to be, because he’s flat, stony broke!

“Mate, my pockets are emptier than a teenager’s ballsack after Schoolies Week,” the Member for New England told The Bug’s investigative team this week.

Close to tears, Mr Joyce (at right in main picture above) added : “I’ll soon have three extra mouths to feed and I’m fucked if I know how I’m going to do that on a pathetic backbencher’s salary.

“I’ll admit I like to put the chaff bag on, but have you ever seen Vicki eat? I wouldn’t mind if she was just eating for two, which she is at the moment, but not the entire senior form at McCarthy Catholic College in Tamworth. She’s a fucking deadset garbage disposal unit.”

But The Bug refrained from asking Mr Joyce why he couldn’t house, clothe and feed a family even on his current salary most Australians would only dream of, because it already knew the answer.

Mr Joyce has well and truly over-extended himself financially with land purchases with hefty repayments he can no longer meet, and a series of share investments from very dubious financial advisers that have quickly turned sour.

While the public would be aware of Mr Joyce’s past purchase of various properties alongside or near the proposed Melbourne-Brisbane rail link, The Bug can also disclose Mr Joyce:

  • in recent years bought extensive tracks of land around Lake Eyre, after being given financial advice that global warming would make the lake a permanently filled waterway that would become one of the world’s water-wonderland drawcards for the rich and famous,
  • purchased a large shareholding in the nation’s major beetroot grower, and trademarked “The Beetrooter” for future company expansion and marketing that would have included a beetroot-flavoured range of iced treats, cordials, soft drinks and face and skincare products,
  • is still paying off a large tract of land he bought at Menindee Lakes some years ago when he was Agriculture Minister where he planned to build Australia’s largest fish-meal processing plant,
  • invested heavily both with shares in, and land purchases around, some of the nation’s biggest coal-fired power stations, some of which have since closed,
  • bought up in a big way shares in some of the nation’s cotton growers before the current drought took hold,
  • bought rural-residential properties in every state and territory just in case political circumstances meant he again needed to shift states to run for a House of Representatives or Senate seat,
  • signed up to a drastically overpriced online gym he saw advertised on daytime TV while at a loose end at home one day that promised he could keep his stunning, manly physique that’s proved irresistible to a bevy of women,
  • due to a little-known hearing problem that arose from a bunger-night incident as a boy, bought up large tracts of land where he had been told extensive fucking activity was likely; and
  • bought all but a handful of the total of 1,965 hardback copies of his autobiography sold across Australia so far.

Faced with these accusations, Mr Joyce’s face turned bright red with anger, even though our team couldn’t tell that, and he abruptly terminated the interview.

But he calmed down as The Bug’s team was about to key in the code to drive out of the luxury gated community where he lives on a wooded hilltop overlooking Armidale.

“Guys, I’m sorry for blowing my stack like that. It’s just been very tough, that’s all,” he said.

“I would have gone under already if a developer mate of mine hadn’t given me this shitty little place to live in for free as long as we need it.”

As a final, poignant reminder of just how far Mr Joyce’s fortunes have fallen, he then asked The Bug team if they could “spot him a grey nurse” to give his family a rare McDonald’s treat for lunch.