Where the bloody Pell are you?

news in brief dinkus

Pell misses summit

Mystery surrounds the non-appearance of one of Australia’s leading Roman Catholic Church leaders at the special weekend summit on paedophilia held at the Vatican.

Pope Francis called the historic summit to discuss sex abuse committed by Roman Catholic clergy.

It attracted church leaders from around the world. However, former Archbishop of Sydney and former senior Vatican official, Cardinal George Pell, did not attend.

No reason was given for his absence although his lengthy personal experience in the church’s administration at the highest levels would have been a useful addition to the summit.

Cardinal Pell has been keeping a low profile recently and The Bug could find no recent news stories in Australian media outlets about his activities.

Lord Downer defends daughter

lord downer1Lord Downer (pictured) has entered the debate sparked by his daughter, the Countess Dowager Lady Georgina of Mayo, appearing in a publicity photo handing over a “cheque” adorned with her name and Liberal Party campaign branding to a local bowls club which received the funds under a Federal Government grants scheme.

“Those ruffians and ne’er-do-wells who are mercilessly attacking my darling Georgina simply don’t know how the system operates,” Lord Downer told reporters on the steps of Pout House.

Grasping a household staff member – a burly young shirtless man – for support, a clearly distraught Lord Downer said the photo simply illustrated a common practice.

“It is a regular occurrence for local serfs, tenant farmers, and the like to offer monetary tributes to their lords, masters, and superiors,” he said while tightening his grip on his young attendant’s left bicep.

“The photo simply captured that glorious local tradition and should be entirely uncontroversial and I do not wish to hear another word of it.”

When advised by media representatives that the photo actually showed Lady Georgina not receiving the taxpayer funds but purportedly handing them over to the bowls club members, Lord Downer began to sway visibly.

“But….but… I don’t understand. What are these ‘taxpayers’ of which you speak? I have never heard of such a thing….” he uttered, before falling into a deep faint but nevertheless having the presence of mind to grab and pull down the young, well-oiled staff member’s salmon pink leather britches as he slumped to the ground.

Brought around by a dose of smelling salts, Lord Downer quickly resumed a composure and gravitas that only good breeding allows, saying he wanted to “put the record straight once and for all on another supposed controversy” involving his beautiful daughter and a man in his 70s used in a Liberal Party TV advertisement to debunk Labor’s franking credits policy.

Lord Downer said he could not identify the man who gives a glowing endorsement of Lady Georgina in those advertisements (pictured).downermacsk

“I know nothing of these matters,” he said before instructing the young attendant to lift him in his arms and carry him inside Pout House.