Tow, tow, tow those boats … quickly to our shores!

Anyone else getting a certain morbid pleasure out of the pickle our happy-clapping, talker in tongues prime minister had got himself into?

The Catch-110 that’s engulfing Scott Morrison right now?dgb dinkus NEW

Catch 22 No.1: This faux Christian badly wants the refugee boats to come over the horizon over the next 100 days to prove our border protection policies have been wrecked by the Labor/Greens axis of evil but if they do, his boast that only he has stopped – and only he can continue to stop – the boats is completely hollow.

Catch 22 No 2: He’d dearly love to tell the Australian public immediately if boat pushbacks/towbacks escalate over the next 100 days but, in theory at least, he can’t because that would make a mockery of his commitment to on-water secrecy over Operation Sovereign Borders operations since OSB began. Probably wouldn’t stop him though.

Catch 22 No 3: He’d dearly love to fill up the reopened Christmas Island detention centre with hundreds of rapists, murderers, paedophiles, gypsies, tramps and thieves from Manus Island and Nauru over the next 100 days but there might only be a handful – if any – of them on those offshore gulags.

Catch 22 No. 4: He dearly wants to convince the Australian public that the new medevac laws will make the Indian Ocean and Timor Sea look like a scene from Dunkirk, yet the 600 or more refugees and their families who have already been brought off the islands over recent times have sparked no such upsurge in people-smuggling activities.

Catch 22 No. 5: He clearly wants to convince Australians over the next 100 days that existing practices were just peachy and he’s really a decent Christian stick when it all boils down to it, but to do that he’ll have to ignore how ferociously his government fought in courts to prevent sick refugees from being brought on shore in the past.

Okay, maybe they’re not all true Catch 22 comparisons – more perhaps a summary of where risible porkies in the face of reality and logic have left him extremely vulnerable to the handful of the Canberra press gallery who still care about such things – but when you detest the happy-clapping, smug, talent-challenged, money-making-is-my-spiritual-calling lightweight bastard as much as I do, they’ll do for the time being.

In the meantime, Morrison is using a world megaphone to urge the people smuggling trade to “COME ON DOWN!” He’d put adverts in the Indonesian media to that effect if he could get away with it. Forget Trump’s wall. Morrison wants a wall of massive billboards right across the Top End pointed Indonesia’s way that scream “We’re open again, folks!”. He’d do that too if he could get away with it.

He and his ministers are currently the greatest pull factors tempting rickety boats to make their journey south yet he points that finger at Labor. There is no-one pulling harder or faster right now than Morrison and his mob. So, is that another form of #Catch 22? Or just another rank mixture of sophistry, hypocrisy and deliberate untruthfulness that stinks to high heaven?

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I’ll restate my long-held view: My next shit will have more Christianity to it than Morrison possesses in his entire body. Ditto for some of his senior ministers. For years, they’ve demonised refugees arriving by boat at “illegals”. 

Let’s not forget that Morrison was such a charitable Christian chap that in Opposition at the time of the Christmas Island boat disaster (about 50 dead) he questioned the cost to taxpayers of funerals and flying more than 20 relatives to Sydney to attend the burial services for eight victims including two babies.

He later conceded that the timing of his comments was wrong, not the substance of them. Of course he had Tony Abbott’s backing but Joe Hockey distanced himself from the comments.

Just like a leopard never changes its spots, Morrison has always been prepared to say literally anything to demonise asylum seekers for hard-line political purposes, in a good, happy-clapping Pentecostal way of course!

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One thing you’ve got to give the Happy Clapper credit for is getting border protection back as a key election issue. Anyone else hear that funny sound while Morrison was addressing the National Press Club earlier in the week?

It was the tinkling sound of many – perhaps a vast majority – of the nation’s political scribes and commentators wetting their pants with excitement over Morrison’s tough-talking over refugees and border protection. Some #newscorpse scribes went further.

Morrison, his chest all puffed out, declared no soft, leftie doctors would determine the nation’s border protection. He would. A PM keeping Australians safe. Tinkle. Tinkle.

While he’s no John Howard – no one lied better than the lying rodent when it came to tough talking – Morrison does try his best.  All that was missing was the occasional “aaah….aaah…errrr….aaah… I’ll determine what sick refugees come to this country and the aaah… aaah…eeer manner in which their stretchers are brought here”. Tinkle, tinkle.

All those scribes then waddled off, pulling their trouser pants and dresses out to get things unstuck, to file their reports about the PM’s tough masterstroke. How Labor had been well and truly wedged. No way to get out of this one, Billy boy!!

The day the medevac/medivac legislation came before the lower house represented a “humiliating” back-down by Shorten and his team … well at least that was the adjective Fran Kelly on ABC’s Radio National said she had heard it described as. Most likely the moment it escaped her lips. Tinkle, tinkle.

That pathetic old fossil Paul Kelly in The Australian reckoned the issue could cost Labor the election. Tinkle, tinkle.  His colleague Dennis Shanahan reportedly injured himself rushing back to his desk to lodge an online bet with his bookie for a landslide LNP win.

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And let’s hear some kudos for the much maligned Opposition Leader Bill Shorten and his Labor inner-circle.

Faced with outrageous claims extracted by Morrison from the nation’s spooks and public servants that caring for really sick people would be the death-knell for offshore processing, Labor did the right thing, pretended to take their advice on board, tinkered with a few amendments but then basically said “thanks but no thanks” and sided with the professionals who said the current situation on Manus and Nauru was untenable. Shorten showed some real cajones there (artist’s impression, right).bill shorten cajones

I know there’s one thing I’d do were I Shorten coming in as PM. If it’s possible I’d boot the politicised spooks and senior public servants who provided that “end of offshore processing” nonsense that provided Morrison with that political wedgie so far they’d splash down somewhere to the north-west of Australia. In a chaff bag, preferably.

Meanwhile, only time will tell if Shorten and Labor have accurately sensed a change in attitude by Australians – namely the notion that leaving people rot indefinitely with no hope is not a good look for a nation with a reputation for the fair go – or whether the mean-spirited, inward-looking, selfish, self-centred Australia that John Howard moulded in his own image and the one that the Happy Clapper draws near to his faux Christian chest is alive and well.