New day dawns for Dastyari

news in brief dinkus

 Ex-Senator signs with Sunrise

Disgraced controversial ex-Senator, heavyweight Labor Party factional warlord, failed TV show host, and other derogatory descriptions, Sam Dastyari, has landed a high-profile role with the Seven Network’s top-rating Sunrise breakfast program.

sam cash cowDastyari, currently in a South African jungle shooting episodes of Network Ten’s fake reality endurance program I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here, has been named as the Seven Network’s new Sunrise Cash Cow.

“I’ve been breaking my neck to get a job in the media because let’s face it, I’m totally unemployable anywhere else,” he told The Bug by satellite mobile phone.

“I’ve done a few auditions for Sunrise (pictured) and they seemed happy with what I had to offer, so I’m pleased it’s worked out and I look forward to once again jumping out of bed, zipping on a suit, albeit a cow, and starting the job soon.”

A Sunrise spokesperson said the Cash Cow role perfectly suited Dastyari’s talents.

“The Cash Cow has to be showy, shallow, play up to the cameras, say nothing of substance, and be able to handle wads of cash,” the spokesperson said. “Sam can definitely do all that.”

US Congress drops Huawei probe

In an embarrassing about-face the US Democratic Party has signaled it will drop a planned congressional inquiry into a grant by US President Donald Trump to the controversial Chinese-owned Huawei telecommunications company.

Speaker of the Democratic Party-controlled House of Representatives, Nancy Pelosi, yesterday announced the inquiry but today said the party had changed its mind.trumptweetFINAL

“The President called me earlier this week to say he was planning to give a US$546 million (A$769.5 million) to Huawei which I immediately opposed and told him it would inevitably lead to a congressional inquiry,” Ms Pelosi said.

“But today after we saw a tweet by the President (pictured) we changed out minds.”

Bolts’ GM rejects criticism

General manager of the Brisbane Bolts, Terry Verandah, has denied any impropriety for meeting with JDG chief referee Stevie “Wonder” Sikes just hours before the club was due to go head to head with the Adelaide Aortas.

Daryl Bench, head coach of the Aortas, claimed Verandah and Sikes had “many questions to answer” in the wake of the Bolts winning the match 3457.1 to 3456.9 after Sikes sent off 11 of the Aortas’ players in the second stanza of the third quadrile of Sunday’s match played at the Bolts’ home ground.

bolts dinkusMr Bench said he had been informed that Verandah and Sikes spent last Saturday afternoon and evening together at the Root 66 Motel located at the Yatala Industrial Estate south of Brisbane.

But Mr Verandah rejected any allegations of wrongdoing.

“Bench is talking out of his well padded arse,” he said. “That dipshit little turd-covered lump of frozen cockroach piss should keep his conspiracy theories to himself or else I’ll personally slice his jaw off from ear to ear next time I see the maggot and shove it sideways up his dung funnel.

“Besides I’m free to sleep with whoever or whatever I like. What goes on between one consenting adult and another who’s eventually seen the merit of the other’s argument is none of anyone’s business, especially Bench who looks like he hasn’t jagged a root since before we had colour TV.”

Editor’s note: The Bug is a major sponsor of the Brisbane Bolts.