Learning to love VD

In the lead-up to Valentine’s Day on February 14 Doctor Dick’s mail bag is always full to bursting with queries from lovers both old and young, and in between, seeking answers to vexing problems of the heart. In this column our in-house sex expert addresses some of the unique problems that can arise at this time of year.

Dear Doctor Dick:
Last Valentine’s Day, a dozen beautiful long-stemmed red roses were left at my front door anonymously. It wasn’t until I was arranging them in a vase that I felt this small prick and suddenly realised who they were from.

Susan B
Montreal, Canada

Doctor Dick replies: Ouch!

Dear Doctor Dick:
I am a 22 year old woman whose boyfriend almost always forgets to do anything special for me on Valentine’s Day. I always have to remind him at some stage during the day itself about its significance.

Last year I made us a wonderful dinner but he didn’t show up on time. He forget entirely what day it was and I had to ring him in tears late that night to remind him. He ended up making up for his forgetfulness and insensitivity by turning up at my place with a bunch of roses and a box of chocolates.

We fell into bed together and had amazing sex. But in the morning after he’d left I discovered the roses had a sympathy card hidden among their stalks — he later confessed to stealing them off a grave — and the chocolates were bought at the local BP servo and were three months past their use-by date. How can I make him remember Valentine’s Day this year?

Janice
Gold Coast

Doctor Dick replies: I usually refer to Valentine’s Day as VD for short. So if you want to impress the date on him just start reminding him in the next few days, especially within earshot of his friends or work mates, that he has a special appointment this Thursday for VD. He will thank you for it I am sure.

Dear Doctor Dick:
I tried for months to get this knock-out woman at work to go out with me. She finally relented and after a nice meal and a movie, we went back to her place. I’m afraid the anticipation was far too much for me for when we got to bed I became extremely excited and it was all over far too quickly – all over me and the sheets. I’d like to take her out again for dinner and a movie on Valentine’s Day but I suspect she doesn’t want anything more to do with me. Any advice?

Forlorn
Surfers Paradise

Doctor Dick replies: Not really. You had your chance and you blew it.

Dear Doctor Dick:
I was wondering if there are any exercises out there that can quickly increase the size of a penis? I mean non-surgical methods like some sort of African Mandingo method. Do you think this could work by Valentine’s Day?

Shorty
Sydney

Doctor Dick replies: I see you are familiar with the work of Durban-based sex therapist, Professor Ngobi Mandingo. In the mid-1970s the good professor struck upon a method of extending the penis by the gradual attachment of heavier and heavier weights. A special sleeve was attached to the shaft of the penis and weights – not unlike fishing sinkers – were fastened to its end and replaced weekly with heavier ones.

Through his original research, it was not uncommon for penis lengths to reach 30 cm (12 inches in old speak). The Mandingo method gained worldwide popularity after it was reported in the mainstream media. Unfortunately, the sensationalised reports failed to mention that Professor Mandingo’s original patients had been Kalahari bushmen whose average penis size was 29.5 cm (unaroused) to start with. The professor subsequently faced a class action suit which he successfully defended.

There are several other non-surgical methods which claim to increase penis size – vacuum pumps, the Gong Dong clamp, and driving a Porsche.

All are very expensive with no guarantee of success. Unfortunately, my conclusion after many years of studying this issue is that the only thing guaranteed to increase the size of your penis is sexual arousal.

Dear Doctor Dick:
I am not afraid to admit that I have come to dread Valentine’s Day ever since I started seeing my current girlfriend four years ago. My girlfriend only eats chocolate on Valentine’s Day and for the past four years we have had a routine in which I make her a special dinner, before during and after which she binges on chocolate.

She even asks me to make a dessert loaded with chocolate. And that’s after she has spent the day at work snacking on chocolate too. So far so good, but then we go to bed, have romantic and prolonged sex, then fall asleep. Or at least she does, but I don’t sleep because after our first Valentine’s Day together I know what’s going to happen.

You see after she has fallen into a deep sleep she is struck by a sudden and enormous case of explosive diarrhoea. Honestly, it’s like a shit tsunami. Oddly enough she always manages to sleep through it even though our bed and its sheets are caked in crap and the stench is appalling. I would like to know before Valentine’s Day this week if you think she could be allergic to chocolate?

Brownie
Newcastle

Doctor Dick replies: I don’t think she has an allergy. It sounds more likely that she suffers from the rare condition of sleep crapnia.