Making sense of pollie waffle #1

pollie speak explainedWith NSW and federal elections looming, The Bug believes it’s timely to begin a series that will help electors in both that state and across Australia cut through the jargon of politics, come to appreciate what politicians have really meant to say when they are saying something else. This way, voters will be able to cast their votes with confidence they’ve got the best possible handle on things. Maybe.

From just today:

CHRISTOPHER PYNE:

Finishing an attack on Bill “Canberra Bubble” Shorten on @ABCInsiders this morning, the Defence Minister came home with a wet sail with: “That is why he is so miserably unpopular!”pyne on insiders.JPG

The Bug’s translation: “The latest #newspoll shows Scott Morrison has a disapproval deficit of seven points – 40% approval to 47% disapproval – so he’s not quite as miserably unpopular as Bill Shorten. Scottie’s leading Shorten also by seven points – 43/36 – as preferred PM. Fuck, in a stat that invariably favours the incumbent PM, that’s not much, is it? #newspoll tonight had better show an improvement or we’re rooted. Maybe I might need to declare soon that I need to spend more time with my family.”

JULIE BISHOP

“I am the pre-selected Liberal candidate for the seat of Curtin; it’s my intention to run.”

The Bug’s translation: “My preferred replacement hasn’t quite got the numbers yet. I hope they get a bit of a rattle-along because the thought of being Opposition Leader for at least two terms, probably more, shrivels those cute little tootsies of mine peeking sexily if rather cramped out of my new expensive blood-red high heels that are two sizes too small.”

BILL SHORTEN:

“Naturally we’ll have a good look at any compromise the government puts forward over the Bill to allow refugees in offshore detention to be brought to Australia if two doctors say that’s needed.”

The Bug’s translation: “Our internal party research shows Australia really is the nasty, inward-looking, mean-spirited, selfish, self-centred place that John Howard made of it. So for my and fuck’s sake,  I hope Cathy McGowan votes this down and gets Labor out of a pickle. I’m on a hiding to nothing if I show some guts and human compassion on this issue.”

TONY ABBOTT:

“No-one has done more for Warringah than I have.”

The Bug’s translation: “What the fuck would it say about me if that wasn’t the case after being the federal member for 25 years. Anyway, I really must get back to talking about state and local government issues such as roads and more dunnies on the Manly Beach esplanade.”

And one from the archives:

SCOTT MORRISON:

“This is my prime minister and I have his back.”

The Bug’s translation: “But I’m going to have to step aside shortly so one of my supporters can stab Fizza in the back, thus ensuring there will be no blood on my happy-clappy hands.”

morrison backing turnbull.jpg