The Bug’s famed soothsayer has asked us to apologise for the tardiness of publishing his astrological predictions for February, but he was delayed in supplying them by unforeseen events.
January 20 – February 18
With Anzac Day in just a few months you wonder what ever happened to Virgin Australia’s idea of “saluting” veterans flying with the airline. Best we forget?
February 19 – March 20
You’re still rolling on the floor laughing a day after you heard someone on the ABC’s 7.30 program – it might have been Leigh Sales – saying all that punters wanted from the Australian racing industry was a level-playing field.
March 21 – April 19
You are still ruing that $100 bet you had with a mate after watching PM Morrison hugging and commiserating with Townsville flood victims and wagering that the PM would fly straight back to Canberra for the quick drive out to Yarralumla for a snap federal election.
April 20 – May 20
With Anzac Day in mind and ablaze with patriotic fervour, your attempt to get in early and join your local RSL as a full member, not just with social status, ends in humiliation and shame when an eagle-eyed veteran sitting at the bar notices that the medals pinned to your chest are actually Cadbury’s chocolate gold coins held on by paper clips.
May 21 – June 20
You have this dream that the federal election in May results in so many independents winning seats that Kerryn Phelps is the new Prime Minister, Zali Steggall is her deputy, Bill Shorten is the leader of the Opposition and the LNP have so few seats they’ve lost party status in the Parliament. It’s a lovely dream and you hope you have it again and again.
June 21 – July 22
Normally a kind and compassionate person, you hope the rumour is true that all News Corp Australia metropolitan and regional newspaper editors and Sky TV talent will be forced to commit group ceremonial hari-kari in the foyer of the company’s Sydney HQ, as demanded by Rupert Murdoch, if the looming federal election outcome the flaccid-arsed, money-hungry, principles-free, ethically challenged, semi-demented Yank octogenarian had demanded of them fails to eventuate. You disappoint yourself further by hoping Peter Gleeson and Peta Credlin botch the whole process with blunt ceremonial swords.
July 23 – August 22
You are halfway through preparing an emotion-charged acceptance speech for Best Actor for this month’s Academy Awards when you realise the chances you’ll need it are pretty slim, largely because the forward roster at the bacon factory has you working the late shift that night.
August 23 – September 22
Yet another attempt to join your local RSL so that you can proudly join in the 2019 Anzac Day fails when club officials explain that they don’t recognise the many hours you’ve spent on your fat arse playing Fortnite.
September 23 – October 22
You ponder what Scott Morrison might do with himself if current polls hold firm and he loses the May election in a landslide. It’s with pleasurable schadenfreude that you imagine him applying unsuccessfully over and over again for jobs in the private sector suited to “my unique and proven marketing skills”.
October 23 – November 21
Normally a kind and compassionate person, you surprise yourself at the morbid pleasure you suspect you’ll one day derive from watching news footage of Bernard Tomic and Nick Kyrgios living penniless in the streets and begging for food. And it could be sooner than you think.
November 22 – December 21
You are devastated to find all book stores have sold out of Kenneth Hayne’s new bestseller, One Thousand and One Rude and Crude Party Jokes, that you had desperately wanted to give as presents to various family members and friends. You’ve heard it’s a real thigh-slapper.
December 22 – January 19
You complain to your local supermarket manager about the “crass commercialism” of the store already having Easter hot-cross buns on the shelves only to be shocked to hear they are for Easter 2020.