Shorten set for a damned-good Rupering!

AUSTRALIAN POLITICS:

The extent of Rupert Murdoch’s fury over being snubbed by Bill Shorten – the Opposition Leader says he has no intention of accepting an offer of face-to-face talks with the media mogul in New York or anywhere else for that matter – has now been dramatically exposed.

The Bug has been handed the transcripts of a call Murdoch made to the News Corp Australia head honcho. While the exact time of the call can not be verified, the tape has been ruled authentic by experts in voice recognition and how News Corp Australia head honchos normally react when the great man calls unexpectedly.

Read it and you’ll be asking yourself the same question The Bug immediately raised: Would anyone want to be in Shorten’s shoes right now? And what was he thinking!

OUR WORLD-EXCLUSIVE TRANSCRIPT:

News Corp Australia’s HQ, Holt Street, Sydney.

Murdoch: Murdoch!

(tape has sounds of bowels being voided)

News Corp Head Honcho: Sir, I wasn’t expecting your call.

Murdoch: What’s your take, Hartigan?

Head Honcho: Ah…err… John left us quite some time ago, sir.

Murdoch: Of course. Williams?

Head Honcho: Also gone, sir?

Murdoch: Clarke?

Head Honcho: Sorry..

Murdoch: Tonagh?

Head Honcho: Umm….

Murdoch: Frain?

Head Honcho: He’s not in the same position….

Murdoch: Well, who the fuck are you, then?

(sounds of bowels being further voided)

CEO: Miller, Sir. Michael Miller. My title is actually executive chairman.

Murdoch: Well, who the fuck gave you that silly moniker?

Miller: Well….ah…. actually, you did, sir.

Murdoch: Snappy title. Like it a lot. Anyway, Diller, sit back down, for fuck’s sake.

Miller: Miller, sir. How did you know….

Murdoch: I suppose you’ve heard then, Diller?

Miller: It’s Miller, sir. And, yes, it’s disgraceful, sir. Totally unconscionable behaviour by Shorten. A total lack of respect for your position as the world’s greatest ever media mogul. Insubordination of the highest…

Murdoch: I’m waiting, Stiller.

Miller: Miller, sir. Sorry, waiting?

Murdoch: As someone who has never, ever, interfered in the day-to-day editorial operations of any of my global media outlets, I rely on my employees to be smart enough to unilaterally decide what’s best for me… I mean my readers…

Miller: Oh…yes… how do we intend to react to this?

Murdoch: Time is money, Filler.

Miller: Miller, sir. We’re going to double our efforts, sir, to make sure this arrogant and totally disrespectful person will never, ever, get to lead this great nation of….

Murdoch: Tick, tock, Miller. If that’s who you are.

Miller: Oh, how we intend to do this?

Murdoch: Oh, for fuck’s sake! Will someone give me a fucking sign that whoever gave you this job knew what the fuck they were doing. Do I have to get Col Allen out of fucking retirement and send him over again to run the whole fucking campaign.

Miller: Only this week, we had all the metropolitan daily editors down to look over and finetune our photoshopped front pages all our papers will be running each and every day during the course of the campaign. Christopher Dore gave a wonderful presentation on behalf of….

Murdoch: Yes. yes. I watched that live. Some good stuff there. Well done to whoever thought of the splash of Shorten dying from his cancerous moles. And the heading: “The croak will be on us!” and the graphic of Albanese as the devil-in-waiting. Good stuff. But got any other ideas, Miller, or should I go and make myself a cuppa while you have a good think?

(sounds of bowels completing a voiding)

Miller: We could double the length of Peter Gleeson’s chatshow on Sky News….

Murdoch: Oh, for fuck’s sake. He says the right things but the cunt’s got a voice like a cement mixer on speed. And can’t wardrobe find him some modern suits? And some contact lenses. Go on.

Miller: I suppose you’d like to know what we have planned in the battleground states…

Murdoch: Jerry, darling, put the kettle on, would you, love?

Miller: The Herald-Sun will be rerunning the “commie unions are taking over the state’s fire-fighting services and Victoria will be burnt to a crisp” once again. That should hold the line in Victoria. Might even save Henderson  in Corangamite.

Murdoch: Tick tock, Hiller. Tick tock.

Miller: Miller, sir. But the key state remains Queensland, as I’m sure you know, sir, after Peter Dutton’s bid for PM was derailed by…

Murdoch: Yes, yes. We all know those dumb-ass pricks in Canberra fucked up big-time. Morrison as PM. Fucking hell. What were they thinking?  A fucking happy-clapper with the charisma of a prolapsed asshole. Queensland?

Miller: Well, Renee Viellaris is working her tits off. Des Houghton’s on fire. Steve Wardill’s been a bit quiet but he’ll be on song come the campaign proper…

Murdoch: I’ll have a cookie with my tea, love.

Miller: No, sir. Please. We’re really going to step up #killbill to amazing levels right across our monopoly mastheads throughout Queensland,  sir. It’ll be scorched earth, I promise. It really will. We’ll fry Shorten to a crisp.

Murdoch: What? Even more effective than those papers were at the last two state elections?

(sounds of bowels that have completely voided still trying their hardest any way.)

Murdoch: And Stiller?

Miller: Miller, sir.

Murdoch: Before you head down to the pay office and collect your severance entitlements,  go and take a shower, for fuck’s sake. You stink to high heaven.