It’s Shorten sweet!

FEDERAL POLITICS:

The Morrison government believes it has two chances of winning the looming federal poll – none and Buckley’s – according to an in-depth analysis by The Bug‘s political reporting hub.

While some mainstream political hack has been big-noting himself by finding out that the Liberal Party of Australia has booked a glitzy Sydney hotel for the night of Saturday May 25, The Bug looked for far more meaningful signs to tell us not when the election MIGHT be held, but WHEN it would be held and what PM Morrison and his ministers BELIEVE will be the outcome.

“Booking a venue for May 25 – indeed booking venues here and there for the week earlier as well – tell us two-thirds of four-fifths of fuck-all,” said The Bug‘s chief national political reporter and multi Walkley-award winner Bernard Howling-Wolfe (pictured above during a visit to a bigger and far more professional rival newsroom).

“Bookings can be cancelled at any time. Oh, we must be having a poll on May 25 because a fancy pub’s been booked! Well, whoop de fucking do! Someone give him a Walkley!

“Seriously, is there one single political journo or commentator in Oz at the moment you’d trust to get the weekly shipping news or fruit and vegie market report right?

“What my expert team did was to dig deep and hard into travel and other plans by the Morrison Cabinet over the months ahead,” he said. “We hacked into their work and home computers and analysed their recent social media history; their credit cards to see what they were buying; their phones to hear what they were saying.

“That established the mindset of ministers over where they think their futures lie far more effectively than some fucking hotel booking. I repeat: whoop de fucking do! That dumb prick wouldn’t make copyboy in any newsroom I ran. And I bet he couldn’t even spell News of the World let alone have cut his teeth there like me and most of my colleagues here at The Bug did.”

Mr Howling-Wolfe said The Bug‘s research had uncovered:

Finding #1: That PM Morrision, his wife and two daughters have booked a caravan site at Wanda Beach in the Cronulla shire for two weeks from Sunday March 10. They’ll be arriving there late in the morning after Hillsong.

The Bug’s analysis: the federal election will be held on March 9, two weeks before the NSW state poll. Mr Morrison will phone in his resignation as Liberal leader from outside a fish and chippery across from the Cronulla Surf Club on March 11. About 10.45am.

Finding #2: Home Affairs Minister Peter Dutton recently went online for an application to rejoin the Queensland Police Force, also asking when current Commissioner Ian Stewart’s contract expired.

The Bug’s analysis: Dutton will lose his seat of Dickson at the federal poll on March 9 and, as Acting Constable P Dutton, he will be disappointed to find the Queensland Police Force is not nearly as corrupt as it used to be especially in small one-cop communities like Betoota.

Finding #3: Former Foreign Affairs Minister Julie Bishop has booked a holiday with her hunk-of-a-spunk male companion in the Maldives in early March and besides, she has not bought a single new pair of high-heeled red shoes this week.

The Bug’s analysis: Ms Bishop couldn’t give a rat’s arse when the election is held. She’s decided she doesn’t want to be Opposition Leader where Tim Wilson is likely to be the next smartest guy in the caucus room and will quit politics some time soon. The only factor timing her departure will be to cause as much damage as possible to PM Morrison.

Finding #4: Former PM Tony Abbott in recent days has bought himself a new push bike and some new blood-red budgie-smugglers.

The Bug’s analysis: Mr Abbott expects to hold onto his Sydney seat of Warringah as the LNP is decimated at the polls and will nominate for, and expect to win, the role of Opposition Leader.

Finding #5: Former Prime Minister Malcolm Turnbull in recent days has ordered in larger than normal stocks of Louis Roederer 2008 Cristal champagne for Saturday March 9.

The Bug’s analysis: While this is not proof that Turnbull thinks the election will be on that date, he clearly wants to be ready for when polling day does come around, not just to celebrate the landslide defeat of the Morrison government but to listen to family and friends as they stroke his enormous ego by telling him that he would have easily won the election as God’s – and the media’s – Gift to 21st Century Australian politics. Remember those days?