Rupe flies the coop

Loyal Bug reader Tom O’Connor of Brisbane, Queensland, Australia (Editor’s note: Brisbane has got to be a made-up name, surely?)  has expressed his grave disappointment that the death of the world’s most powerful media baron in history, Rupert Murdoch (pictured below with wife Jerry), has not been foreseen in our stargazer/soothsayer/prognosticator Kisma Aryias’s predictions for 2019, published yesterday.

rupe1In many ways, we at The Bug share his disappointment so we sent buckets of chicken entrails and tea leaves to Kisma, along with a crystal-ball polishing cloth, asking him to sift through both buckets and give his ball a good rub over just to make sure he hasn’t missed the demise of the Dirty Digger.

We are happy to provide this addendum to his predictions for 2019.

1 and 2 January 2019:
Media baron Rupert Murdoch does not die suddenly in New York, aged billions. (Editor’s note: once again, a spookily accurate forecast by our Kisma.)

Sometime between 3 and 31 January:
Media baron Rupert Murdoch is found dead in his luxury New York penthouse after suffering a heart attack while making love to his money belt.

February:
Media baron Rupert Murdoch hangs himself in his luxury New York penthouse, finally overcome with guilt that he could have been the head of a circulation-hungry shit UK newspaper whose reporters (one pictured below in the News of the World newsroom ) would hack the mobile phone of a murdered schoolgirl, in the process giving her grieving parents hope that she was still alive.tiolet1

March:
Media mogul Rupert Murdoch shoots himself to death in his luxury New York penthouse after realising that, despite years of training,  none of his children are ever going to be the ruthless, money-hungry, ultra-right-wing, unethical cunt of a grub he has been all his life.

April:

Press baron Rupert Murdoch drops dead in his New York office, seconds before he was due to sign a new will and testament leaving a large slice of his estate to be shared equally among Des Houghton, Renee Viellaris, Steve Wardill, Chris Kenny, Andrew Bolt and Piers Akermann.

May:

Australian-born media mogul Rupert Murdoch scales the safety barriers and jumps to his death from his luxury penthouse atop a New York skyscraper after watching the Australian federal election count. He crushes to death former New York Post editor Col Allan who was on the pavement below and about to visit his former mentor for old time’s sake with a bottle of Blue Nun riesling tucked under an arm.

June:

While watching the results of the snap UK election called by outgoing PM Theresa May, media mogul Rupert Murdoch (pictured with wife Jerry) scales the safety barriers and jumps to his death from his luxury penthouse atop a New York skyscraper after taking a phone call from new UK Prime Minister Jeremy Corbin who outlines his planned new media lawsrupe2

July:

The world’s most powerful media baron in history, Rupert Murdoch, dies after a long battle against  flaccidarseitis.

August:

Media baron Rupert Murdoch dies from shock when all of his Australian newspapers accidentally publish their actual paid circulation figures instead of their “readership” stats.

Distemper:
Rupert Murdoch dies in a New York veterinary surgery after being bitten on the corner of Fifth Avenue and 21st Street East by a mangy rabid dog. The vet says that if the media mogul had been bitten anywhere else, he might have survived.

October:

Media baron Rupert Murdoch dies on the job, Billy Snedden-style after a Viagra overdose he took in August finally works. Jerry Hall, who walks in and finds her husband stiff all over for the first time in their marriage, remains inconsolable in the arms of some of her lovers, according to reports.

November: 

Australian-born media mogul Rupert Murdoch scales the safety barriers and jumps to his death from his luxury penthouse atop a New York skyscraper during an intervention staged by the ghosts of Ed Murrow, Ben Bradley, Walter Cronkite, Katharine Graham, Carl Bernstein, Bob Woodward and Barbara Walters who ask him to account for Fox News.

rupebathDecember:
Australian-born media mogul Rupert Murdoch bleeds to death in his New York penthouse having never quite mastered the art of shaving when he shows no reflection in any mirror (pictured).

1 January 2020:

When Rupert Murdoch has a heart attack during a meeting with Pope Francis, the Pontiff  kneels and prays that the media mogul be borne to eternal life only to be interrupted by the billionaire media baron explaining he bought the rights to eternal life a long time ago and looks forward to many more happy new years in 2021, 2022, 2023, 2024….etc….etc….etc