New fish species discovered

news in brief

CAIRNS: A new species of deep-water fish has been discovered off the north Queensland coast. An angler pulled the monster (pictured above) aboard a charter boat some 40km off the coast yesterday. Marine experts have already coined its scientific name: Gobius flappius kellyodwyerei.

“It just lay there flapping its gums and making sounds similar to the ones squid make when they are landed on a jetty,” the angler said. “A terrible, terrible screeching. Ran a shiver down my spine, it did.

“And, deadset, I’ve never seen a fish’s mouth that so desperately called out for a bloody fishing gaff to be jagged through it. If you could get a gaff big enough, that is.”

Sadly, the new species is said to be totally inedible.

Abbott’s about-face 

SYDNEY: In signs that Tony Abbott is becoming increasingly worried about a growing local push to oust him at the next federal election, the Warringalah MHR has admitted his decision to give an Australian knighthood to Prince Philip in 2015 “was in retrospect a fairly silly one”.

“As a captain’s call, maybe I should have awarded it to Professor David Flint for the wonderful leading role he has played in keeping Australia safe and free from republicans, even though I appreciate he has been a lifelong woolly-woofter,” Mr Abbott said. “I think that would have gone down much better. Or maybe Gerard Henderson for his wonderful contribution through media appearances and the work of his excellent middle-of-the-road think tank and policy generator, The Sydney Institute, to the fabric of Australian life?

“Two very deserving Australians for such an honour, so maybe next time, eh?” the former PM said, doing that lizard tongue thing with his mouth that he always does when he knows he’s said something very clever, and that’s generally every time he opens his mouth.

USA grinds to a halt … and no-one cares

WASHINGTON, DC:  Major opinion polls across the United States show the American public are largely unaware that their national government has shut down. Taken on aggregate, 79% of those polled were totally oblivious to the childish stand-off between President Trump and the Democrats over budget measures and the Mexican border wall, while the remaining 28% knew what was happening but couldn’t give a shit. Undecided or uncommitted stood at 8% with a further 11% not answering their cellphones at all.  Demolition of both houses of Congress and the White House, hopefully with the gelatinous arse trumpet* locked inside, is expected to begin early in the new year.

* copyright Paul Syvret 2018