IN this world exclusive, The Bug has been handed the not-so-secret sex tapes recorded when disgraced Nationals MP Andrew Broad spent a hot and steamy night with Sweet Sophie Rose in a Hong Kong hotel room after they met up earlier at a swank restaurant.
Broad: What’s taking you so long in there, honey?
Sweet Sophia Rose: Don’t be impatient, Tiger.
Broad. It’s Bond, James Bond.
Sweet Sophia Rose: I suppose you can’t wait to kiss my neck and then run your fingers and plant intimate kisses down my back until they reach those hidden magical places that make every woman the very very special person she is….
Broad: No, I’ve only booked this dump for an hour and I don’t want to pay a dollar more. Especially after that meal. What was the name of that restaurant, the Wounded Bull? Hurry up, honey, there’s a part of my person who’s even more important than I am waiting to say hello! A very important penis attached to a very important person. Have I mentioned I’m the assistant minister to the Deputy Prime Minister of Australia?
Sound of bathroom door opening.
Broad (sounding disappointed): You’re not wearing the nurse’s uniform I left in there for you? I really wanted to play doctor..
Sweet Sophia Rose: No!
Broad: Okay, got it. No role playing then. How about just wearing this novelty shop crown of jewels? I’m here purely to please. My mission tonight: to be on her majesty’s secret service.
Sweet Sophia Rose: No.
Broad: Okay, no tiara. No nurse’s uniform. Got it. But come over here, you little honey pot. Stand in the light where my video… I mean I can see you properly. I’m an Aussie lad, I know how to fly a plane, ride a horse, and fuck my woman. The intentions of my honourable member are completely dishonourable. Diamonds might be forever but my thunderballs need you right now.
Sweet Sophia Rose: Well, you say that but you don’t look all that excited to see me?
Broad: You’re kidding, right? Your sugar daddy is absolutely tumescent here.
Sweet Sophia Rose: I’m sorry to hear that.
Broad: No but seriously, have you seen a country member more powerful than that? What a spectre? Do you think you’ve ever come a cross a bigger dick in your life?
Sweet Sophia Rose: Probably not, come to think of it.
Broad: It’s my licence to kill.
Footsteps sound as Sweet Sophia Rose approaches the bed.
Sweet Sophia Rose: Oh, my God. What’s with all the gold you’ve painted all over your….
Broad: Consider me the man with the golden gun.
Sweet Sophia Rose: And you’ve got one gold finger. And one golden eye patch. Why?
Broad. For your eyes only, babe.
Sweet Sophia Rose: Well, you scared the living daylights out of me.
Broad: Live and let die, I say.
Sweet Sophia Rose: But I ask once again…why?
Broad: It’s a little routine I’ve got going and trust me, I’m going to put you on a sexual plane where the world is not enough. You’ll never ever believe again that diamonds are forever. You’ll be in skyfall afterwards and it will take you forever to return to normal sexuality.
Sweet Sophia Rose: Oh, for fuck’s sake, can we just get on with this. I’m meeting another client at 11pm.
Tape ends about the same time as James Bond movie references run out.