In the second of its special series The Bug outlines what the movers and shakers in the UK want for Christmas this year.
Her Majesty Queen Elizabeth the Second: “All one can hope for is a continuation of one’s good health so one can continue on with one’s glorious reign to save the realm from my tampon-substituting, plant talking, architecture criticising and total mummy’s boy sooky failure of a son, Charles. One sometimes wonders what has one done to deserve this one?”
Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh: “Nobody gives me a thought at this time of year. All I get is a load of cheap old tat made in some Chink factory or some crappy artefacts from Bongo Bongo Land or some other equally godforsaken dump that was once pink on the map. I actually haven’t received a decent present since that Australian chap gave me a knighthood.”
Teresa May, Prime Minister of the United Kingdom (at time of writing): “With his love of cycling around London, is it too much to ask as my Christmas wish that Boris Johnson be cleaned up by a heavy lorry loaded with cow manure?”
Jeremy Corbin, UK Opposition Leader (pictured): “All I want for Christmas is for another general election so Labor can deliver the glorious revolution that our people desire and which will finally shatter capitalism’s dominant, patriarchal, oligopolistic, hegemony. Apart from that, a new pair of socks I can wear with my sandals.”
Boris Johnson, would-be UK PM (and we think he’s serious because he’s cut his hair): “For Christmas this year I’d rather like a new pair of lycra bike pants, having just shat in the last pair when that jolly lorry full of cow manure clipped me. I know I could just have most of the blobby bits scraped off and the whole kit washed and dried, but really chaps, I haven’t had a fag to handle my faecal matter and faecal matters since I left Eton.”
The people of the United Kingdom: All you ask from Santa is a clear and concise answer to a basic question central to the Westminster system of governance that has been adopted in so many parts of the world: would a second Brexit referendum be totally against the principles of such a political system or a classic example of its ongoing worth?