Children worldwide look set to spend Christmas Day broken-hearted with stockings left unfilled – all because of strike action by Santa’s toy-making elves at the North Pole.
Members of the militant Christmas Festivities Manufacturing Midgets & Elves Union (CFMMEU) have already downed toy-making tools in a number of rolling strikes and are threatening a full walkout for the rest of December over a range of work issues.
But the biggest dispute of them all – and the one that has already led to ugly slanging matches between CFMMEU officials and Santa that would make a reindeer blush – has been over the use of overseas elves brought in on temporary “457 visas”.
“They are simply taking away jobs that elves who have worked in Santa’s toy-making shops for centuries are quite capable of doing,” CFMMEU North Pole shop steward and media officer Syv Pull-it-on (pictured above with Santa in happier times) told The Bug.
“My members are making all the traditional Christmas presents you can think of, while these imported elves are working on the computerised, high-technology, whiz-bang sector of the Christmas toy market, the one the kids love.”
But Santa told The Bug a different story. “Look, I still love them all but my elves are really pumping out some shit at the moment. A lot of it looks like it could have been made in China,” he said.
“I wouldn’t even insult people by putting what they make in one of those cheap and nasty Christmas crackers. You know the ones with the unfunny joke printed on a microscopic bit of dunny paper, a Christmas ‘novelty’ that would be truly novel if it weren’t some misshapen bit of shitty plastic that nobody can identify, and a paper party hat that wouldn’t even fit over the head of my penis without stretching and snapping.
“I’m sorry for the language, but the market’s changed and the CFMMEU simply weren’t interested in the retraining programs I said would be vital to Santaland’s ongoing success.
“I’ve sat down with them so many times and all they ever bang on about is a demand for a six-hour day at the height of toy production. I keep telling them they’re crazy; there’s no daylight at all at the height of toy production.”
Comrade Pull-it-on said he remained hopeful the dispute could be resolved in time for children all over the world to wake up and, as proud parents watched on, undergo that universal frenzy of the opening of presents, the wrapping paper flying everywhere and shitty, easily broken toys being rudely flung across the room and discarded as they desperately search once more for something they like or want.
“We hate striking before or around Christmas time,” Comrade Pull-it-on said. “We’re not like that greedy, left-wing Transport Workers Union who try their best ever year to disrupt the airlines and the trains and buses right around Christmas, to deliberately spoil everyone’s holidays and dampen their festive season as part of a primitive bargaining tool to try to achieve their greedy and selfish aims.
“We’re not like them at all. We’ll keep talking and talking and talking and we just hope the big fella sees sense before all those little kids all around the world need to get hurt.”
POSTCRIPT: Prime Minister Scott Morrison has used today’s Question Time in Canberra to flay Opposition Leader Bill Shorten over the looming toyless, joyless Christmas.
“That man over there is the real Grinch. All those Xmas-morning tears around the world will be that man’s fault, for he is well and truly in the pocket of the criminal CFMMEU,” the PM shouted, firstly in English and then in tongues.
“Ula ma kata juka cunta union bred, ula ma kata juka cunta union fed and ula ma kata juka cunta union led,” he shouted across at a pale-faced Mr Shorten who is understood to now be considering his future in politics, such was the ferocity of Mr Morrison’s attack.