Lord Downer surveys the body politic


Lord Downer has weighed into the current debate over the representation of women in the nation’s parliament.

At a media conference held at the gates of his summer residence Sook House, Lord Downer said he was personally aware of a significant problem with the representation of women in the Australian Federal Parliament.

Lord Downer arrived at the news conference in a sedan chair leading a lengthy caravan as part of his household’s annual migration from their usual residence Pout House to their summer retreat Sook House, 350 metres away.

The caravan included dozens of household staff who personally shouldered essential items being moved for the summer to Sook House such as heavy wooden dining tables and chairs, a range of marble statues of his Lordship at various stages of his life, ivory wastepaper baskets, and afternoon, evening, and supper billiard tables.

His Lordship’s sedan chair itself was shouldered by six strapping youths, all of whom were well tanned, oiled, and naked bar for filigreed loincloths bearing the Downer family crest.

As he arrived Lord Downer threw posies to the crowd of reporters, photographers, and TV camera operators.

A second under-footman to the Downer household explained that the posies were not to be interpreted as a gesture of friendliness or familiarity.

“Lord Downer insists on distributing posies to the great  unwashed if he faces any risk of meeting or interacting with them in any way,” he told The Bug. “This directive applies very much to members of the media.”

On arrival, Lord Downer insisted on being helped out of his sedan chair by wrapping his arms around one of its muscular bearers and urging the lad to do the same to him.

He was then lifted upright and stayed entwined with the muscular youth for several moments, breathing deeply in and out against the lad’s neck, before using his lorgnette to trace an invisible line across the young man’s chest that circled his erect, oily nipples.

Eventually breaking away, Lord Downer held a nosegay to his face and began: “It is my melancholy duty to declare that there is a definite problem with the representation of women in our national parliament.

“Why, my own darling daughter, the Duchess Georgina of Mayo, is for some reason not recognised as the legitimate heiress to my seat by those rotters in Canberra. Damn their eyes.

“Just because my dear Georgina (pictured with His Lordship) did not gain the support of all the tenant farmers and other peasants holding grace and favour positions on our estate is no reason to deny her what is her clear birth right.

“Everyone I speak to, even down to lowly baronets and knights, agree that this is an outrageous and unprincipled position that must ……..”

At this point Lord Downer, visibly shaken and starting to sway, broke off speaking. When he resumed, his voice was far from strong and was indeed noticeably wavering.

“The biggest problem as far as womenfolk are concerned is that my dear darling Georgina has been done wrong, all for some flibbertigibbet notion embraced by the ignorant masses that people need to secure a so-called ‘majority’ of what they describe as ‘votes’ if they wish to sit in parliament.

“This is a dangerous, nay revolutionary, notion if not a fantasy that should be ………”

Lord Downer again ceased his oration, put a laced cuff to his brow, swooned, and fell sideways into the arms of the all-but-naked lad who had earlier helped him from his sedan chair.

Although in a clear and heavy faint, His Lordship had the presence of mind to break his fall by grabbing at the lad’s loincloth.

The young man assisted Lord Downer back into his sedan chair albeit with some difficulty as His Lordship refused at first to unlock his arms which he had wrapped tightly around the glistening youth’s torso.

A member of the Downer household staff rushed forward with a vial of smelling salts which His Lordship sniffed before rousing enough to weakly wave a signal for his caravan to proceed towards Sook House proper.