The bald eagle has landed

INTERNATIONAL NEWS:

WASHINGTON: Forget the comb-over. This is a complete makeover!

US President Donald Trump has appeared in public for the first time as he actually is: a near-bald, very, very average 72-year-old man (pictured).

“I’m sick and tired of the pretence,” he told a White House media call, rubbing his bald pate and throwing his Make America Great Again cap at a stunned press corp, “from now on, what you see is what you get.

“Well it’ll soon be that way, once I stop hitting the tanning bed and the rest of my flabby face takes on the same naturally pale colour of my skull that’s been hiding so long under that bizarre roadkill rug I’ve been wearing for years.

“But I’m here to tell Americans that from now on, as far as my head’s concerned it’s no more fake hues.

“No more crap in general, okay. No more trying to hold the First Lady’s hand seeing she hates my guts.

“No more pretending to be a stable, genius hero. I’m a fat, cowardly, spoilt boy-man business failure with small hands and a smaller dick, okay? I’ve had a privileged upbringing and I’ve got the intelligence of a gnat. That’s a fair call. You know it is.

“The Mexican wall is never going to happen. You know that. I know that. What a load of crap, right? Never going to happen, folks.

“And all those sad-sack fucks in the rust belt who think I can turn their pathetic lives around and get their shitty old mining and manufacturing jobs back? Grow up, guys. Take a reality pill. We all know it’s horseshit, don’t we?” the 45th American president said to nervous laughter from the White House media pool.

Overnight opinion polls in the US showed a surge in support for President Trump following his “bald facts of life” appearance and blunt self-critical statement.

Professor of politics at Washington University, Professor Dick Large, told The Bug: “The American public have been crying out for honesty in their public officials. This is a refreshing start.

“The polls show that Trump, as always, seems to be able to read the national mood, or at least the mood of enough people to potentially get him re-elected in 2020.

“It doesn’t matter that he suddenly changes course or changes his mind. Nothing sticks to this guy.

“He is more than a Teflon president. Even though he’s fucking up the nation and possibly the world, he’s like a greasy pig at a county fair. His opponents just can’t catch him and if they do, he wriggles free.

“He’s a pig, but a pig covered in KY Jelly. If you can picture that,” Prof Large said.