Reality bites for celebrity chef

WORLD EXCLUSIVE:

LONDON: British TV celebrity cook Nigella Lawson’s career is in serious doubt after a double mastectomy as part of her transition to become a man.

mw121010This shock news only came to light when The Bug’s  London bureau of nine men visited the TV star’s luxury London home for what was to have been an exclusive interview on a stellar media career. They were shocked by what they saw when the door opened.

“From now on, my preferred pronoun is ‘he’ or ‘him’ and I will be known as Nigel Lawson,” the new Mr Lawson (pictured right ) told The Bug’s stunned team.

He revealed that the most recent series of his popular show had been taped in record time to allow the hormone treatment and radical surgery that had enabled the sex change to take place smoothly over recent months.

“In fact my new name in full will be Nigel Lawson Junior to distinguish me from my father.”

Nigel Lawson Senior (pictured below), a former Cabinet Minister in governments led by Margaret Thatcher could not be contacted for comment.

Mr Lawson Jnr explained why he had decided to change sex.

“I was home about a year ago doing some lines to make sure the next day’s taping went smoothly and got the munchies. I was going through some tapes of past shows just to get some ideas for a quick meal and it struck me: just about every show focused on my breasts!”

The Bug opened a thick manilnigella lawsona folder and fanned out some colour photos (one pictured). “You mean like these 44 shots? All these are taken from just one of your shows.”

“That’s exactly right,” Mr Lawson said, holding back tears. “They were just breasts. I do have a face, you know. And I really can cook!”

Dabbing his eyes with a tissue, Mr Lawson recounted the taping of one show where he cooked some snacks for his children. “I normally feed them in the kitchen but the producers made me carry the tray of food up one of those long and narrow staircases you encounter in this country.

“I thought I had nailed it on the first tape but I was made to do it over and over again. When I turned around after the 11th take, the downstairs parlour area was crowded with men, most of whom I’d never seen before.

“We normally have a film crew of three or four at the most and to see all these men leering at me… it was horrid … sorry, I’m still working on my language … bloody awful.

“It was then that I realised I had to make a statement. When my career ends, I want to be remembered for my culinary skills;  that I was always much, much more than the very beautiful woman I used to be with those absolutely gorgeous creamy jugs.”

He composed himself and brushed down his trouser legs held tightly together: “I really can cook, you know.”

Unfortunately for Mr Lawson Jnr, he may not have kept abreast of just how cut-throat is the industry he has made his name and fortune in.

A BBC TV source said Mr Lawson Jr’s decision to become a male would most likely mean the end of the highly successful and long-running Nigella Bites cooking series.220px-Official_portrait_of_Lord_Lawson_of_Blaby_crop_2

Struggling to use words acceptable in the #metoo politically correct age, the source finally gave up: “Please don’t quote me but let’s face it. The high ratings for the show always relied on two things and now they’re gone, we’ve got Buckley’s chance of keeping those in the 25-39 male demographic who couldn’t give a shit about cooking but who all tuned in to see her in a tight blouse or dress,” the source said.

“I guess in theory we could replace those viewers with gay males but, Jesus Christ, did she have to transition to look so much like her old man?

“If dried prunes had a scrotum.”