Tones gives Mal ‘benefit of the doubt’

AUSTRALIAN POLITICS:

Arguably the most loathed of Australia’s living ex-Prime Ministers* has given arguably the most self-loved of Australia’s living ex-Prime Ministers* “the benefit of the doubt” over claims of undermining in his Sydney seat.

Arguably the most destructive** of Australia’s living ex-Prime Ministers, Tony Abbott, used an impromptu media call on the steps of the Manly surf lifesavers club (pictured above with a Liberal Party supporter) to say he simply refused to believe that arguably the most pompous yet least-achieving of Australia’s living ex-Prime Ministers*, Malcolm Turnbull, his wife Lucy and their son had endorsed a group seeking to oust him from his federal seat of Warringalah.

Adopting that look he adopts whenever he thinks he’s being very, very clever or humorous, and that’s generally all the time, Mr Abbott said calls by a North Sydney Liberal Party branch to have Mr Turnbull expelled from the party were premature.

“Surely what I’ve heard can’t be true. It can’t be true. Can’t be true,” arguably the stupidest of Australia’s living ex-Prime Ministers* said, also applying that lizard in-and-out tongue thing he does when he’s really nailing a point and being very, very clever or humorous at the same time, and that’s generally all the time.

“What I’ve heard. What I’ve heard, simply can’t be true. Can’t be true. What I’ve heard simply, it simply can’t be true. Simply can’t.

“Sure we’ve had our differences and unlike me, Malcolm lacked the strong policy principles that marked my term in office and which would be powerfully on display again if the party honoured me with that role once more,” Mr Abbott said.

“I’ve learned my lessons from last time and the new chief of staff I’ve recently employed in my office, a Mister Peter Credlin, (pictured)  will run a much tighter ship next time round.”

peta c maskMr Abbott concluded the interview by returning to his original topic.

Shaking his head and lizard-tongueing for emphasis, Mr Abbott said:  “I simply cannot believe. I simply cannot believe. Cannot believe. Cannot believe the Turnbull family, the Turnbull family have thrown their weight behind this small, disgruntled splinter group in my electorate. Simply can’t believe it. Simply can’t. It can’t be true. Simply can’t.

“I’d be totally gobsmacked. Gobsmacked. I’d be gobsmacked and very, very stroppy. Very stroppy if it turns out they’ve done that at a time when we need to be united, united  behind my leadership to prevent a Shorten government that would be an absolute disaster for our country. An absolute disaster. Disaster.”

Mr Abbott then stripped from his tracksuit pants to reveal a pair of budgie smugglers festooned by images of arguably Australia’s greatest living ex-Prime Minister* seeing Sir Robert Menzies is long dead, and kept shouting what a post-apocalyptic Australia would look like under Labor – most of its housing in complete ruin; industries shut down; millions of jobless Australians dying in the streets from hunger and exposure; the good strong economic management that only the Liberals have ever been able to provide wrecked virtually overnight – until he could no longer be heard over the pounding of the surf as he plunged into the waves for his morning 25 km open-ocean swim.

* On the Liberal side.

** Copyright Andrew Probyn ABC News