Our in-house soothsayer has acknowledged the rising angst, foreboding, and in many cases, depression across the nation as the US mid-term congressional elections draw ever closer. If he has foreseen the actual results, he is keeping them to himself at this stage but will, as usual, claim his customary credit for predicting them once they are known.
SCORPIO – October 23 – November 21
You lie awake all night staring at the ceiling and pondering a very simple question: if Tuesday’s US Mid-Terms go as badly as polls are suggesting and Donald Trump shits himself big-time, how will we know if that was the reason?
SAGITTARIUS – November 22 – December 21
Your regular medical check-up is entirely uneventful until your GP decides to forcibly admit you as a matter of urgency to a psychiatric facility for treatment of chronic delusional disorder all because you suggest US President Donald Trump will accept and take very calmly the political pasting he’s hopefully about to receive at the US mid-term elections.
CAPRICORN – December 22 – January 19
You wonder if Coles has ever assessed just how large, in the interests of profit making, they could make the holes they deliberately bake into each and every packets of sourdough bread before customers finally get fed up and call for a stop to the practice.
AQUARIUS – January 20 – February 18
Or will they just add SWISS-STYLE to the packaging information just like they do with some of their 10-slice cheese products.
PISCES – February 19 – March 20
Now that we’re a few days past the second anniversary of the election of the Crisafulli LNP government in Queensland on October 29, 2024 – which means it’s now more than half-way through its four-year term – you wonder aloud how longer it’ll keep spending millions of Queenslanders’ money screening ads about “your new government”.
ARIES – March 21 – April 19
You only ask that because you’ve just turned 50, you’d like to live to be 100 but now that you’re half-way through that term, you’ve got to admit to yourself that you’re not feeling all that fucking new right now.
TAURUS – April 20 – May 20
You reckon the celebration and commercialisation of minor milestones might have gone just a bit too far when the sales assistant who helps with your purchase of a food processor at a local kitchen appliance shop asks if you also want to buy their do-it-yourself kit for a blender reveal party.
GEMINI – May 21 – June 2
Your fears are confirmed when your unemployed, already heavily in debt, aspiring rock star partner announces they have “invested” in a very expensive electric guitar and are now forking out hundreds more dollars for a Fender reveal party.
CANCER – June 21 – July 22
You are apoplectic and resolve to break up with your layabout would-be muso partner after they reveal to you the astronomical total cost of their new guitar during the separate payday lender reveal party they insist on hosting.
LEO – July 23 – August 22
You toss and turn all night wondering what your local Bunnings store might look like if we ever go to war with China.
VIRGO – August 23 – September 22
You are keeping all fingers and toes crossed that both houses of the US Congress turn blue at Tuesday’s mid-terms and Donald Trump gets booted out of Washington, bringing that divided country a brand new POTUS who is intelligent, kind and empathetic …. OH SHIT! IT’S GOING TO BE V.D. CHANCE!
LIBRA – September 23 – October 22
After your heavily pregnant, partially deaf wife mishears an innocent suggestion you make, she shocks and offends all your family and in-laws when she hosts them at a pudenda reveal party.
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